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Dave Restal
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
YOA # 12 (i)
THE YOUNG OF AUSTRALIA
EPISODE TWELVE: A Holiday Is As Good As A Change - Part II
by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE
and DAMIAN SANCHEZ
EVE: This is stupid!
DAVE: Welcome to my world.
EVE: At least it’s not Majorca.
NIGEL: Of course, Manly was my first choice for holiday destination. This holiday isn’t just a week by the seaside, Andrew.
ANDREW: Nigel, look beyond the trigonometrically-unlikely-cleavage.
HARRY: Andrew!
EVE: Hi. I’m Eve.
ASHLEY: Ashley.
DAVE: [SITS UP] Harry? Where’s Eve?
EVE: There’s a subtext to this conversation, isn’t there?
ANDREW: You coming, Dave?
DAVE: [LYING BACK] Nah. I’ll check out that cove Nigel mentioned.
NIGEL: [STARTLED] What? No, I want to stay with Dave.
ANDREW: No, he’s right, our turn.
EVE: Bugger!!
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RUN CREDITS SEQUENCE
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1. HOTEL CORRIDOR
Andrew and Harry walk down the corridor, supporting Nigel who is too weak to do anything but complain. He has been bitching for a while.
NIGEL: ...how dare you, you utter, utter bastards?! I can’t believe it! You bastards! You complete and utter bastards! Think about all the things I’ve done for you over the past years!
They stop bar a door. Harry and Andrew are thinking.
ANDREW & HARRY: What things?
NIGEL: Oh, they have to be material events nowadays, do they?
ANDREW & HARRY: Would help. Come on.
They continue down the corridor.
NIGEL: You selfish pempsliders! Let go of me!!
We stay on the door. It opens and Eve peers out, looking ashamed.
2. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
Eve, now with a sheet wrapped around her, closes the door and tip-toes over to the wardrobe. She opens it, looking for some fresh clothes. She moves past a few empty hangers and pulls down and outfit. And grimaces. She checks. That’s all there is. With a nervous glance back at the unconscious girls, Eve sighs and takes the garment off the hanger.
3. HOTEL ROOM
Dave is now decked out in his trenchcoat, under which he wears his swimming trunks and thongs. He snatches his canvas hat and opens the door... to reveal a startled Eve. She wears black leather pants and bodice over a frilly red lace corset with puffed sleeves.
DAVE: [SURPRISED] Hi?
EVE: [DITTO] Hi!
DAVE: Well, we may both look ridiculous, but I think I’m better dressed for an afternoon down by the beach than you.
EVE: It’s not what you think.
DAVE: You’re wearing black leather and it’s twenty five in the shade. What do I think?
EVE: Yeah, well, you know... Just trying a new image.
DAVE: A new image? What new image? Gothic dominatrix?
EVE: [QUICKLY] I think it works.
DAVE: Well, it does, but...
Eve’s eyes widen as she gets an idea.
EVE: The beach!
DAVE: What?
EVE: You’re going to the beach, right now, I’ll go with you and we can just be an ordinary heterosexual couple having a post-Christmas vacation, get it?
DAVE: Got it.
EVE: Good. Let’s go.
She takes his arm and leads him out.
DAVE: Uh, sure. What happened to your bikini?
EVE: Why are you lot so infatuated with my swimwear? What are you? Deviants?!
She puts her hands on her hips. The leather creaks loudly.
EVE: Forget it. Let’s go to the beach.
4. THE BEACH
Eve and Dave are wandering up a path at the edge of the beach.
DAVE: You sure you don’t want to go back and change?
EVE: [PANTING] Me, I’ll be fine.
DAVE: You sound pretty knackered.
EVE: It’s just this... stupid... corset... I can barely breathe in this... thing. So tight...
DAVE: [COUGHS] I kinda noticed.
EVE: I’ve noticed you noticing... Frequently.
Eve turns around, breathing heavily. She spots Ashley on the beach, chatting to Liz. Eve pales and turns to Dave.
EVE: Where is this cove? Let’s go there! Quickly!
DAVE: Who are we trying to avoid? Why are they after us? What have we done to offend them? More importantly: are they armed?
EVE: In strict order of answering – none of your business.
They hurry onwards.
5. AMUSEMENT PARK
The outskirts of a fun fair, with a large station to buy tickets and enter. Andrew and Harry walk up, pushing Nigel who is now in a wheelchair. He has, in fact, been strapped to it.
NIGEL: ...but I don’t want to go to an amusement arcade, I want to go to the beach!
HARRY: Ah, what’s the cove got that this place hasn’t?
NIGEL: [SIGHS] You have no idea.
HARRY: You see, Nigel, this is absolute pure, classic frivolity! Perfection – nature can’t compete with that!
NIGEL: Wanna bet?
ANDREW: Oh, don’t talk to me of ‘fluid lines provoked by the ergonomic imperatives’.
NIGEL: I won’t.
HARRY: OR ‘the strict adherence to the symbolic form, the classical use of conceptual space’.
NIGEL: I won’t!
ANDREW: Designers’ flim-flam and architects’ gobbledegook!
HARRY: [NODS] The tired consensus of a jaded age.
ANDREW: No, you’ll never win an argument there.
NIGEL: FINE! FINE!! LET’S GO TO THE STUPID AMUSEMENT PARK! ANYTHING! JUST – SHUT – UP!
HARRY: [MOCK SURPRISED] Well, if you insist...
Nigel groans. They approach the ticket booth.
HARRY: Three juvelines, please.
A pause.
TELLER: Thirty dollars please.
HARRY: What?!
TELLER: Each.
HARRY: DOUBLE What?!?
Andrew approaches.
ANDREW: Ah, hello, we’re from the Make A Wish Foundation. [INDICATES NIGEL] This is the latest from the St Vincent de Paul’s Children’s Hospice and his dying wish is go to this funfair.
HARRY: Well, his second dying wish.
ANDREW: We couldn’t do his first.
HARRY: Hilary Duff just wasn’t up for it.
ANDREW: [NODS] Shame.
TELLER: [UNIMPRESSED] Ninety-five dollars for the three of you.
NIGEL: Hey, that’s higher than before!
TELLER: We’ll have to put down wheelchair ramps.
Andrew, Nigel and Harry exchange looks. They turn away and whisper.
HARRY: OK, I’ve got fifty and that’s it. And all the rides and stuff have to be paid for individually.
ANDREW: We go to plan Z. Nigel, do your stuff!
Nigel grimaces and rubs his eyes. They turn him around and he smiles charmingly, suddenly no longer sick or ill.
NIGEL: [GRINS] Hey, Kimberly. Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most beautiful smile known to man? One smile and you just light up the world, baby. [HOLDS UP COIN] Here’s ten cents. TEN cents. Let’s see what we can work out, if you know what I mean. [WINKS] You know what I’m saying, baby. Let us pass through and the Big N promises he’ll show you a good time. The best bang since the big one...
The woman leans forward and grabs Nigel by the scruff of the neck.
TELLER: [FURIOUS] First! It’s not Kimberly it’s Beryl! Second, no one ever told me I have a beautiful smile because I kill cute kittens! Third, if you want me to light up the world, I’ll stick you in a wicker man and set fire to it! Fourth, ten cents is an INSULT! Fifth, I know what you’re saying and that’s why I’m going to rip out your intestines and throttle you with them! Sixth, you couldn’t show me a good time if you had a radio telescope! NOW PAY ME THE ENTRY FEE OR DROWN IN YOUR OWN FETID BLOOD!!
She frowns.
TELLER: Where’d the other two go?
Harry and Andrew have disappeared. The teller turns around to see that they have both jumped over the fences are running into the depths of the fair. She is aghast.
TELLER: Scumbags! The total –
She turns around to see the empty wheelchair. She turns around. Nigel is running after Harry and Andrew. She begins to rage angrily.
TELLER: Hey, come back here! DAMN YOU!!
6. THE COVE
A small, pleasant beach that backs up onto the rest of the town, with trees, a cliff and a small café. There aren’t many people around. Dave and Eve are slumped in the shade.
DAVE: So... who were we running so very fast away from? I mean, if I am going to die of exposure and dehydration, you can at least let me know why.
EVE: It was me.... That’s all... They’re after me.
DAVE: Who?
EVE: I forget their names.... They’re... from Lucan’s Bar... I sort of woke up with them this morning... I left my bikini there... Borrowed this [INDICATES OUTFIT] without their permission.
DAVE: Oh, girl’s night out, that sort of thing?
EVE: No, sort of girl’s night IN.
DAVE: Oh, right. [BEAT] Lucky you found something in your size.
EVE: Is that supposed to be funny?!
DAVE: Just an observation. Normally you’re so picky.
EVE: Picky? I’m not picky... well, I wasn’t. Evidently.
DAVE: Hey, you’re on a holiday, doing something different isn’t a crime. It’s not as if you’re never going back are you? You can [NO CHANGE IN TONE] you’re not talking about borrowing some clothes, are you?
EVE: [MISERABLE] No.
DAVE: No. And I suppose you weren’t the only one who lost your underwear last night.
EVE: No, I wasn’t.
There’s a pause.
DAVE: My brother Doug’s gay you know.
EVE: I’m not gay. Oh no. No way. I crave guy-and-girl action, I am not attracted to those of my own gender.
DAVE: You were last night.
EVE: [SOBS] I know! God, Dave, what am I supposed to do know? It’s so confusing. I’m already wandering around Manly like a kinky vampire hooker! Where will it end? Am I going to start wearing purple triangles and start talking in a really deep voice? I don’t own any yellow handkerchiefs! I hate what’s her name in the Wizard of Oz! I still prefer Adam Rickett to Billie Piper! I’M NOT GAY!
DAVE: So? You’re bisexual. No problem with that.
EVE: No problem! Bisexuality is just another word for, for unreliability! Untrustworthiness! Unbelievability! Other bad words beginning with ‘un’! Dave, you know about gay people! Tell me what to do now!
DAVE: You really want my advice? I’m not... I mean...
EVE: That doesn’t matter!
DAVE: It doesn’t?
EVE: No, of course not! I can’t even remember what happened – maybe it’s the same for you!
DAVE: You can’t remember what happened?
EVE: No, why?
DAVE: Well, how do you know that you actually did the mummy-and-auntie dance then?
EVE: I woke up naked in a bed full of other naked women!
DAVE: Well... maybe your clothes were dirty?
EVE: OK, I suppose so...
Dave idly looks straight ahead and suddenly freezes.
EVE: Actually, that makes sense! I must have thrown up, the girls took off my clothes to dry out and I sort of dozed off. There was no unpleasantness at all! I’m straight! I’m cured! Dave? I’m cured! Dave? What is it?
She follows Dave’s gaze. Zoom out to show a naked female back.
DAVE: She, uh, she... Her swimsuit has fallen off at some point.
EVE: Maybe she’s just sunbathing topless.
DAVE: It seems to be something of a craze here.
EVE: Yeah. Even the guys are doing it.
DAVE: They seem to be sunbathing bottomless as well.
EVE: Yeah. Odd.
DAVE: Must be lucky being bisexual – get the best of both worlds.
EVE: [FLATLY] Stop mocking me.
They don’t take their eyes off the other sunbathers. In unison they turn their heads, watching.
DAVE: I think now we know why Nigel was so desperate to come here. So to speak.
A sinister, familiar voice speaks behind them.
PARKER: Well, well, well, Restal. I never thought you enjoyed frequenting nudist beaches with young girls wearing more than you are.
Dave freezes in terror. Pull out to see, standing behind them is Parker, also naked but thankfully everything below the waist is hidden by Eve and Dave in the foreground.
DAVE: Hello, Mr. Parker, sir. I wasn’t expecting you to be here.
PARKER: I come to this cove every year to top up my all-over tan, Restal. It’s an essential part of my physiological makeup.
DAVE: [SOTTO] OK, when I say run, run.
Parker leans closer to them. He rasps in their ears.
PARKER: Are you enjoying your Summer Holiday?
EVE: RUNNN!!!
Dave and Eve leap to their feet, run down the beach and dive into the waves, beginning to paddle out of view as fast as possible. Parker watches them go, frowning. We see him from the rear.
PARKER: God, some people are weird.
7. AMUSEMENT PARK
Nigel is standing in a long queue for the roller coaster ride. He looks very ill and mutters mutinously under his breath. The woman in front of him hears this and, shocked, slaps him. Nigel groans, disappointed. Elsewhere, Andrew and Harry are wandering around, eating candy floss. They approach the queue and ease their way through the people.
HARRY: You know, it still baffles me that this stuff is edible. I mean, a sugar-based pink growth? There have been horror movies based on less merciless creatures...
ANDREW: Harry, it’s candy floss. Eat it and deal.
They reach Nigel.
HARRY: Thanks for keeping our space, man.
NIGEL: [DEPRESSED] Yeah, sure. There’s nothing I like better than minding your spot while you go off and have fun until you get to the front of the line.
ANDREW: Oh don’t be such a killjoy, Nigel! It is THE dictionary definition of fun standing in this line! You should get down on your hands and knees and thank us for letting you having the unbelievably exciting task of waiting in a line for five hours, you lucky, lucky bastard! Fun and excitement like that doesn’t come along every day! Why, I’m green with envy!
NIGEL: Well, why didn’t you wait in line instead?
ANDREW: Health reasons, Nigel. First time on a roller coaster – add that to the thrill of queuing and I could end up... well, like you, Nigel.
NIGEL: Hahah. Did you get me a Dagwood dog?
HARRY: No, but I tried to get you a Dogwood dag. Nasty business.
NIGEL: And why didn’t I get candy floss?!
ANDREW: You did. But we accidentally split coca cola on it and had to throw it away.
NIGEL: WHAT?! But I love coca cola mixed with candy floss! I love watching it dissolve and imagining it’s your evil, black heart being staked by Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
HARRY: Do you? Sorry, man, I had no idea. We threw it at the laughing sailor.
NIGEL: Why?
HARRY: You seen that thing, Nigel? It’s so damn creepy...
The queue begins to shuffle towards the steps leading up to the ride.
ANDREW: I’ve shot through the cross-city tunnel, sailed down Cooke’s river, and eaten a Chiko roll, but never, never, never been on a roller coaster. With my clothes on, anyway...
8. BEACH
Not very crowded. Eve swims to shore. Dave has already washed up. She rises and hurries over to him, but he’s barely conscious. The life savers pass, shrug, and move on.
EVE: Dave! Dave, wake up!
DAVE: So... hot... Can’t... breathe...
Eve rolls her eyes and strips him of his trenchcoat.
EVE: Why you wanted to swim in this I’ll—
She breaks off as, up on the promenade, Ashley, Jan and Liz approach. Eve dives under cover as they approach. Dave lies where he is.
JAN: ...if we don’t get that outfit back, my cousin is going to kill us. Honestly, Ash, letting a one night stand run off with our stuff!
ASHLEY: [ANNOYED] She’s not a one night stand, she’s better than that.
Eve is surprised to find herself pleased at that.
JAN: You just have low standards.
ASHLEY: Whereas you have NO standards. Come on, she’s just a bit freaked out. We’ll find her, or that guy she was with.
LIZ: I liked him.
ASHLEY: You like everyone. Come on. She won’t exactly be inconspicuous in that outfit, will she?
They move out of sight. Eve peers and watches them go, then turns and continues to try and revive Dave.
EVE: Wake up, come on... Look, I’ll get some help, I’ll get Andrew! Stay here. Well, er, like you were going to do anything else. Please be all right.
Dave cannot reply. Eve rises and, after a second’s thought, puts on his trenchcoat to hide her outfit. As she hurries off, Dave groans.
9. AMUSEMENT PARK
The roller coaster has finished. Andrew, Harry and Nigel are unsteadily leaving the area.
HARRY: [DAZED] Phew. That was fun. That was. Really fun. I’m amazed. Fun. I didn’t expect to like it. One little bit. But it was fun. Really fun. I’m amazed.
NIGEL: [GROGGY] I think my intestines are still at the bottom of the last dip.... Or maybe at the top of the one before...
ANDREW: Ah, don’t worry about it, Nige. You just need some fresh air. Just breathe in deeply through the nose...
Nigel does so. He then registers he is standing beside a bin that does not seem to have been emptied. Ever. Nigel chokes and sudden begins to spontaneously vomit into the bin. Andrew and Harry wince.
ANDREW: OK. My bad.
HARRY: [STILL DAZED] I really enjoyed it. Enjoyed it. It was really loopy. And fast. And scary. And full on.
ANDREW: Yeah, it was magnificent! Let’s go round again.
HARRY & NIGEL: NO!!!
Nigel returns to being sick.
ANDREW: Why not?
HARRY: Too frightening!
ANDREW: It was just a rollercoaster!
HARRY: Not that, it was those old people throwing up everywhere. Now, you know I hate to agree with Nigel, so this is serious. Let’s just... Oh, god.
He shoves Nigel out of the way and vomits in the bin.
ANDREW: OK, this is getting predictable and I think the bin is full. Let’s head for the merry-go-round. That should settle your stomachs.
Outside, Eve runs up to the ticket booth.
EVE: I have to get inside. I need a ticket.
TELLER: Thirty dollars.
EVE: I don’t have any money. Look, it’s an emergency...
TELLER: That’s ten extra.
EVE: Look, I need to find two guys. One’s an Aborigine in sunglasses and bleach-blonde hair, the other one is like a cross between Yahoo Serious and Keith Richards...
TELLER: That’ll be two hundred dollars.
EVE: What?
TELLER: They didn’t pay either.
EVE: I’m not surprised – the service is terrible. Look, I’m having a severe personal crisis and on top of that my friend has collapsed on the beach thanks to heat stroke and I need those two to help me help him!
TELLER: Four hundred dollars.
EVE: Excuse me.
She picks up a bin and throws it at the teller booth. The glass shatters, the bin falls over and disgorges its contents. Eve moves to run for the entrance, then notices a wallet lying in the rubbish.
EVE: Oh yeah! Instant karma, whose yer mumma!
She snatches the wallet and runs inside. In another queue, the trio are standing. Nigel is barely conscious but Harry is looking better.
ANDREW: If this queue turns out to be a ride on its own, I shall be very, VERY disappointed.
HARRY: Hey, I was just thinking...
NIGEL: Hah! Guess there is a first time for everything.
HARRY: I was just thinking...
NIGEL: Oh, and a second time for everything!
HARRY: Shut up, Nige, I’m trying to talk. Now, I always thought that Dave’s tricolour coat was one of a kind.
ANDREW: It is. His mum made it before the combine harvester incident. Nasty business. Why’d you ask?
HARRY: There’s a girl over there, wearing it.
NIGEL: He’d never part with it! He must have been mugged and killed! How horrifying... I get his stuff.
Andrew pushes his way out of the queue as Eve approaches. Harry follows, supporting Nigel.
ANDREW: What’s wrong?
EVE: [BREATHLESS] Dave’s passed out on the beach... He needs help...
NIGEL: I could have told you that. Why are wearing his coat?
EVE: Huh? Oh, disguise. [SHRUGS IT OFF] Too hot for this.
She hands Harry the coat. The trio stare at her.
EVE: Now what?
NIGEL: Hey. You’re wearing leather. Leather. Very tight leather.
EVE: Well done, Nigel.
HARRY: Why is she dressed like a... like that?
EVE: I couldn’t find my clothes, all right. Now, come on, we have to find Dave, he’s ill.
NIGEL: Why do all the girls fuss over Dave and never me?
Harry shrugs, dislodging Nigel, who falls to the ground heavily.
10. BEACH
Dave is now sitting on a bench. Liz has wrapped a wet towel around his shoulders and is feeding him ice cream with a spoon.
LIZ: You feeling any better?
DAVE: A bit. Thanks for... rescuing me.
LIZ: You should wear a hat in this heat.
DAVE: I’m not sure it was the heat. I saw something truly hideous before I went swimming, maybe my brain couldn’t cope.
LIZ: Oh, what was it?
DAVE: I saw my boss on a nudist beach.
LIZ: Really?
DAVE: [LAUGHS] Nah, I just took these eye drops that let me see through the dimensions to the heart of the universe and the Great Old Ones were staring back at me.
LIZ: Yeah, I know which I’d prefer. What’s your name, sweetheart?
DAVE: David Mitchell Restal, but call me Dave. Everyone else does.
LIZ: Elizabeth Annabel Taylor, but call me Liz. [DAVE SNIGGERS] No, seriously. My parents hated me.
DAVE: I know the feeling.
LIZ: You got issues?
DAVE: [NODS] That’s why I’m on holiday. How about you?
LIZ: I’m coping. [SIGHS] Just. Still, at least I got to rescue a total stranger and so take my mind off my own problems.
DAVE: We should start a group. ‘Heavy Thinkers Anonymous’.
They chuckle, more relaxed.
LIZ: So, you got a home to go to?
DAVE: Yeah, but not here. I’m staying at that hotel over there.
LIZ: So am I! This is strangely synchronous.
DAVE: [LOST] Is that good?
LIZ: Sure.
Further up the beach, Andrew and Eve are brooding over the place she left Dave. Harry is still supporting Nigel.
EVE: He was here! I left him here, definitely!
ANDREW: He must have got better.
EVE: Can’t you follow the footprints or something?
ANDREW: [FROWNS] What makes you think I can do that?!
EVE: Oh, just expecting the unexpected.
ANDREW: Well, now you mention it, they do go in that direction.
They head up the beach.
NIGEL: [SOTTO] Harry, I know why she’s wearing that.
HARRY: [SOTTO] She said she lost her clothes.
NIGEL: [SOTTO] Yeah, but I worked out how she lost them.
HARRY: [SOTTO] Oh? How?
NIGEL: [SOTTO] She got lucky, I’m sure of it. There’s only so many things you can do naked.
HARRY: [SOTTO] Only if you have a small imagination.
NIGEL: Mine is gargantuan, Harry! My brain bleeds simply trying to comprehend its sheer vastness! Plus, my imagination’s pretty big as well.
Harry rolls his eyes and lets him fall. Harry walks off. Nigel struggles to rise when the tide rushes in and carries him out of view.
NIGEL: Oh, no, not AGAIN...
He is lost in the waves.
to be continued...
EPISODE TWELVE: A Holiday Is As Good As A Change - Part II
by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE
and DAMIAN SANCHEZ
EVE: This is stupid!
DAVE: Welcome to my world.
EVE: At least it’s not Majorca.
NIGEL: Of course, Manly was my first choice for holiday destination. This holiday isn’t just a week by the seaside, Andrew.
ANDREW: Nigel, look beyond the trigonometrically-unlikely-cleavage.
HARRY: Andrew!
EVE: Hi. I’m Eve.
ASHLEY: Ashley.
DAVE: [SITS UP] Harry? Where’s Eve?
EVE: There’s a subtext to this conversation, isn’t there?
ANDREW: You coming, Dave?
DAVE: [LYING BACK] Nah. I’ll check out that cove Nigel mentioned.
NIGEL: [STARTLED] What? No, I want to stay with Dave.
ANDREW: No, he’s right, our turn.
EVE: Bugger!!
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RUN CREDITS SEQUENCE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. HOTEL CORRIDOR
Andrew and Harry walk down the corridor, supporting Nigel who is too weak to do anything but complain. He has been bitching for a while.
NIGEL: ...how dare you, you utter, utter bastards?! I can’t believe it! You bastards! You complete and utter bastards! Think about all the things I’ve done for you over the past years!
They stop bar a door. Harry and Andrew are thinking.
ANDREW & HARRY: What things?
NIGEL: Oh, they have to be material events nowadays, do they?
ANDREW & HARRY: Would help. Come on.
They continue down the corridor.
NIGEL: You selfish pempsliders! Let go of me!!
We stay on the door. It opens and Eve peers out, looking ashamed.
2. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
Eve, now with a sheet wrapped around her, closes the door and tip-toes over to the wardrobe. She opens it, looking for some fresh clothes. She moves past a few empty hangers and pulls down and outfit. And grimaces. She checks. That’s all there is. With a nervous glance back at the unconscious girls, Eve sighs and takes the garment off the hanger.
3. HOTEL ROOM
Dave is now decked out in his trenchcoat, under which he wears his swimming trunks and thongs. He snatches his canvas hat and opens the door... to reveal a startled Eve. She wears black leather pants and bodice over a frilly red lace corset with puffed sleeves.
DAVE: [SURPRISED] Hi?
EVE: [DITTO] Hi!
DAVE: Well, we may both look ridiculous, but I think I’m better dressed for an afternoon down by the beach than you.
EVE: It’s not what you think.
DAVE: You’re wearing black leather and it’s twenty five in the shade. What do I think?
EVE: Yeah, well, you know... Just trying a new image.
DAVE: A new image? What new image? Gothic dominatrix?
EVE: [QUICKLY] I think it works.
DAVE: Well, it does, but...
Eve’s eyes widen as she gets an idea.
EVE: The beach!
DAVE: What?
EVE: You’re going to the beach, right now, I’ll go with you and we can just be an ordinary heterosexual couple having a post-Christmas vacation, get it?
DAVE: Got it.
EVE: Good. Let’s go.
She takes his arm and leads him out.
DAVE: Uh, sure. What happened to your bikini?
EVE: Why are you lot so infatuated with my swimwear? What are you? Deviants?!
She puts her hands on her hips. The leather creaks loudly.
EVE: Forget it. Let’s go to the beach.
4. THE BEACH
Eve and Dave are wandering up a path at the edge of the beach.
DAVE: You sure you don’t want to go back and change?
EVE: [PANTING] Me, I’ll be fine.
DAVE: You sound pretty knackered.
EVE: It’s just this... stupid... corset... I can barely breathe in this... thing. So tight...
DAVE: [COUGHS] I kinda noticed.
EVE: I’ve noticed you noticing... Frequently.
Eve turns around, breathing heavily. She spots Ashley on the beach, chatting to Liz. Eve pales and turns to Dave.
EVE: Where is this cove? Let’s go there! Quickly!
DAVE: Who are we trying to avoid? Why are they after us? What have we done to offend them? More importantly: are they armed?
EVE: In strict order of answering – none of your business.
They hurry onwards.
5. AMUSEMENT PARK
The outskirts of a fun fair, with a large station to buy tickets and enter. Andrew and Harry walk up, pushing Nigel who is now in a wheelchair. He has, in fact, been strapped to it.
NIGEL: ...but I don’t want to go to an amusement arcade, I want to go to the beach!
HARRY: Ah, what’s the cove got that this place hasn’t?
NIGEL: [SIGHS] You have no idea.
HARRY: You see, Nigel, this is absolute pure, classic frivolity! Perfection – nature can’t compete with that!
NIGEL: Wanna bet?
ANDREW: Oh, don’t talk to me of ‘fluid lines provoked by the ergonomic imperatives’.
NIGEL: I won’t.
HARRY: OR ‘the strict adherence to the symbolic form, the classical use of conceptual space’.
NIGEL: I won’t!
ANDREW: Designers’ flim-flam and architects’ gobbledegook!
HARRY: [NODS] The tired consensus of a jaded age.
ANDREW: No, you’ll never win an argument there.
NIGEL: FINE! FINE!! LET’S GO TO THE STUPID AMUSEMENT PARK! ANYTHING! JUST – SHUT – UP!
HARRY: [MOCK SURPRISED] Well, if you insist...
Nigel groans. They approach the ticket booth.
HARRY: Three juvelines, please.
A pause.
TELLER: Thirty dollars please.
HARRY: What?!
TELLER: Each.
HARRY: DOUBLE What?!?
Andrew approaches.
ANDREW: Ah, hello, we’re from the Make A Wish Foundation. [INDICATES NIGEL] This is the latest from the St Vincent de Paul’s Children’s Hospice and his dying wish is go to this funfair.
HARRY: Well, his second dying wish.
ANDREW: We couldn’t do his first.
HARRY: Hilary Duff just wasn’t up for it.
ANDREW: [NODS] Shame.
TELLER: [UNIMPRESSED] Ninety-five dollars for the three of you.
NIGEL: Hey, that’s higher than before!
TELLER: We’ll have to put down wheelchair ramps.
Andrew, Nigel and Harry exchange looks. They turn away and whisper.
HARRY: OK, I’ve got fifty and that’s it. And all the rides and stuff have to be paid for individually.
ANDREW: We go to plan Z. Nigel, do your stuff!
Nigel grimaces and rubs his eyes. They turn him around and he smiles charmingly, suddenly no longer sick or ill.
NIGEL: [GRINS] Hey, Kimberly. Did anyone ever tell you that you have the most beautiful smile known to man? One smile and you just light up the world, baby. [HOLDS UP COIN] Here’s ten cents. TEN cents. Let’s see what we can work out, if you know what I mean. [WINKS] You know what I’m saying, baby. Let us pass through and the Big N promises he’ll show you a good time. The best bang since the big one...
The woman leans forward and grabs Nigel by the scruff of the neck.
TELLER: [FURIOUS] First! It’s not Kimberly it’s Beryl! Second, no one ever told me I have a beautiful smile because I kill cute kittens! Third, if you want me to light up the world, I’ll stick you in a wicker man and set fire to it! Fourth, ten cents is an INSULT! Fifth, I know what you’re saying and that’s why I’m going to rip out your intestines and throttle you with them! Sixth, you couldn’t show me a good time if you had a radio telescope! NOW PAY ME THE ENTRY FEE OR DROWN IN YOUR OWN FETID BLOOD!!
She frowns.
TELLER: Where’d the other two go?
Harry and Andrew have disappeared. The teller turns around to see that they have both jumped over the fences are running into the depths of the fair. She is aghast.
TELLER: Scumbags! The total –
She turns around to see the empty wheelchair. She turns around. Nigel is running after Harry and Andrew. She begins to rage angrily.
TELLER: Hey, come back here! DAMN YOU!!
6. THE COVE
A small, pleasant beach that backs up onto the rest of the town, with trees, a cliff and a small café. There aren’t many people around. Dave and Eve are slumped in the shade.
DAVE: So... who were we running so very fast away from? I mean, if I am going to die of exposure and dehydration, you can at least let me know why.
EVE: It was me.... That’s all... They’re after me.
DAVE: Who?
EVE: I forget their names.... They’re... from Lucan’s Bar... I sort of woke up with them this morning... I left my bikini there... Borrowed this [INDICATES OUTFIT] without their permission.
DAVE: Oh, girl’s night out, that sort of thing?
EVE: No, sort of girl’s night IN.
DAVE: Oh, right. [BEAT] Lucky you found something in your size.
EVE: Is that supposed to be funny?!
DAVE: Just an observation. Normally you’re so picky.
EVE: Picky? I’m not picky... well, I wasn’t. Evidently.
DAVE: Hey, you’re on a holiday, doing something different isn’t a crime. It’s not as if you’re never going back are you? You can [NO CHANGE IN TONE] you’re not talking about borrowing some clothes, are you?
EVE: [MISERABLE] No.
DAVE: No. And I suppose you weren’t the only one who lost your underwear last night.
EVE: No, I wasn’t.
There’s a pause.
DAVE: My brother Doug’s gay you know.
EVE: I’m not gay. Oh no. No way. I crave guy-and-girl action, I am not attracted to those of my own gender.
DAVE: You were last night.
EVE: [SOBS] I know! God, Dave, what am I supposed to do know? It’s so confusing. I’m already wandering around Manly like a kinky vampire hooker! Where will it end? Am I going to start wearing purple triangles and start talking in a really deep voice? I don’t own any yellow handkerchiefs! I hate what’s her name in the Wizard of Oz! I still prefer Adam Rickett to Billie Piper! I’M NOT GAY!
DAVE: So? You’re bisexual. No problem with that.
EVE: No problem! Bisexuality is just another word for, for unreliability! Untrustworthiness! Unbelievability! Other bad words beginning with ‘un’! Dave, you know about gay people! Tell me what to do now!
DAVE: You really want my advice? I’m not... I mean...
EVE: That doesn’t matter!
DAVE: It doesn’t?
EVE: No, of course not! I can’t even remember what happened – maybe it’s the same for you!
DAVE: You can’t remember what happened?
EVE: No, why?
DAVE: Well, how do you know that you actually did the mummy-and-auntie dance then?
EVE: I woke up naked in a bed full of other naked women!
DAVE: Well... maybe your clothes were dirty?
EVE: OK, I suppose so...
Dave idly looks straight ahead and suddenly freezes.
EVE: Actually, that makes sense! I must have thrown up, the girls took off my clothes to dry out and I sort of dozed off. There was no unpleasantness at all! I’m straight! I’m cured! Dave? I’m cured! Dave? What is it?
She follows Dave’s gaze. Zoom out to show a naked female back.
DAVE: She, uh, she... Her swimsuit has fallen off at some point.
EVE: Maybe she’s just sunbathing topless.
DAVE: It seems to be something of a craze here.
EVE: Yeah. Even the guys are doing it.
DAVE: They seem to be sunbathing bottomless as well.
EVE: Yeah. Odd.
DAVE: Must be lucky being bisexual – get the best of both worlds.
EVE: [FLATLY] Stop mocking me.
They don’t take their eyes off the other sunbathers. In unison they turn their heads, watching.
DAVE: I think now we know why Nigel was so desperate to come here. So to speak.
A sinister, familiar voice speaks behind them.
PARKER: Well, well, well, Restal. I never thought you enjoyed frequenting nudist beaches with young girls wearing more than you are.
Dave freezes in terror. Pull out to see, standing behind them is Parker, also naked but thankfully everything below the waist is hidden by Eve and Dave in the foreground.
DAVE: Hello, Mr. Parker, sir. I wasn’t expecting you to be here.
PARKER: I come to this cove every year to top up my all-over tan, Restal. It’s an essential part of my physiological makeup.
DAVE: [SOTTO] OK, when I say run, run.
Parker leans closer to them. He rasps in their ears.
PARKER: Are you enjoying your Summer Holiday?
EVE: RUNNN!!!
Dave and Eve leap to their feet, run down the beach and dive into the waves, beginning to paddle out of view as fast as possible. Parker watches them go, frowning. We see him from the rear.
PARKER: God, some people are weird.
7. AMUSEMENT PARK
Nigel is standing in a long queue for the roller coaster ride. He looks very ill and mutters mutinously under his breath. The woman in front of him hears this and, shocked, slaps him. Nigel groans, disappointed. Elsewhere, Andrew and Harry are wandering around, eating candy floss. They approach the queue and ease their way through the people.
HARRY: You know, it still baffles me that this stuff is edible. I mean, a sugar-based pink growth? There have been horror movies based on less merciless creatures...
ANDREW: Harry, it’s candy floss. Eat it and deal.
They reach Nigel.
HARRY: Thanks for keeping our space, man.
NIGEL: [DEPRESSED] Yeah, sure. There’s nothing I like better than minding your spot while you go off and have fun until you get to the front of the line.
ANDREW: Oh don’t be such a killjoy, Nigel! It is THE dictionary definition of fun standing in this line! You should get down on your hands and knees and thank us for letting you having the unbelievably exciting task of waiting in a line for five hours, you lucky, lucky bastard! Fun and excitement like that doesn’t come along every day! Why, I’m green with envy!
NIGEL: Well, why didn’t you wait in line instead?
ANDREW: Health reasons, Nigel. First time on a roller coaster – add that to the thrill of queuing and I could end up... well, like you, Nigel.
NIGEL: Hahah. Did you get me a Dagwood dog?
HARRY: No, but I tried to get you a Dogwood dag. Nasty business.
NIGEL: And why didn’t I get candy floss?!
ANDREW: You did. But we accidentally split coca cola on it and had to throw it away.
NIGEL: WHAT?! But I love coca cola mixed with candy floss! I love watching it dissolve and imagining it’s your evil, black heart being staked by Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
HARRY: Do you? Sorry, man, I had no idea. We threw it at the laughing sailor.
NIGEL: Why?
HARRY: You seen that thing, Nigel? It’s so damn creepy...
The queue begins to shuffle towards the steps leading up to the ride.
ANDREW: I’ve shot through the cross-city tunnel, sailed down Cooke’s river, and eaten a Chiko roll, but never, never, never been on a roller coaster. With my clothes on, anyway...
8. BEACH
Not very crowded. Eve swims to shore. Dave has already washed up. She rises and hurries over to him, but he’s barely conscious. The life savers pass, shrug, and move on.
EVE: Dave! Dave, wake up!
DAVE: So... hot... Can’t... breathe...
Eve rolls her eyes and strips him of his trenchcoat.
EVE: Why you wanted to swim in this I’ll—
She breaks off as, up on the promenade, Ashley, Jan and Liz approach. Eve dives under cover as they approach. Dave lies where he is.
JAN: ...if we don’t get that outfit back, my cousin is going to kill us. Honestly, Ash, letting a one night stand run off with our stuff!
ASHLEY: [ANNOYED] She’s not a one night stand, she’s better than that.
Eve is surprised to find herself pleased at that.
JAN: You just have low standards.
ASHLEY: Whereas you have NO standards. Come on, she’s just a bit freaked out. We’ll find her, or that guy she was with.
LIZ: I liked him.
ASHLEY: You like everyone. Come on. She won’t exactly be inconspicuous in that outfit, will she?
They move out of sight. Eve peers and watches them go, then turns and continues to try and revive Dave.
EVE: Wake up, come on... Look, I’ll get some help, I’ll get Andrew! Stay here. Well, er, like you were going to do anything else. Please be all right.
Dave cannot reply. Eve rises and, after a second’s thought, puts on his trenchcoat to hide her outfit. As she hurries off, Dave groans.
9. AMUSEMENT PARK
The roller coaster has finished. Andrew, Harry and Nigel are unsteadily leaving the area.
HARRY: [DAZED] Phew. That was fun. That was. Really fun. I’m amazed. Fun. I didn’t expect to like it. One little bit. But it was fun. Really fun. I’m amazed.
NIGEL: [GROGGY] I think my intestines are still at the bottom of the last dip.... Or maybe at the top of the one before...
ANDREW: Ah, don’t worry about it, Nige. You just need some fresh air. Just breathe in deeply through the nose...
Nigel does so. He then registers he is standing beside a bin that does not seem to have been emptied. Ever. Nigel chokes and sudden begins to spontaneously vomit into the bin. Andrew and Harry wince.
ANDREW: OK. My bad.
HARRY: [STILL DAZED] I really enjoyed it. Enjoyed it. It was really loopy. And fast. And scary. And full on.
ANDREW: Yeah, it was magnificent! Let’s go round again.
HARRY & NIGEL: NO!!!
Nigel returns to being sick.
ANDREW: Why not?
HARRY: Too frightening!
ANDREW: It was just a rollercoaster!
HARRY: Not that, it was those old people throwing up everywhere. Now, you know I hate to agree with Nigel, so this is serious. Let’s just... Oh, god.
He shoves Nigel out of the way and vomits in the bin.
ANDREW: OK, this is getting predictable and I think the bin is full. Let’s head for the merry-go-round. That should settle your stomachs.
Outside, Eve runs up to the ticket booth.
EVE: I have to get inside. I need a ticket.
TELLER: Thirty dollars.
EVE: I don’t have any money. Look, it’s an emergency...
TELLER: That’s ten extra.
EVE: Look, I need to find two guys. One’s an Aborigine in sunglasses and bleach-blonde hair, the other one is like a cross between Yahoo Serious and Keith Richards...
TELLER: That’ll be two hundred dollars.
EVE: What?
TELLER: They didn’t pay either.
EVE: I’m not surprised – the service is terrible. Look, I’m having a severe personal crisis and on top of that my friend has collapsed on the beach thanks to heat stroke and I need those two to help me help him!
TELLER: Four hundred dollars.
EVE: Excuse me.
She picks up a bin and throws it at the teller booth. The glass shatters, the bin falls over and disgorges its contents. Eve moves to run for the entrance, then notices a wallet lying in the rubbish.
EVE: Oh yeah! Instant karma, whose yer mumma!
She snatches the wallet and runs inside. In another queue, the trio are standing. Nigel is barely conscious but Harry is looking better.
ANDREW: If this queue turns out to be a ride on its own, I shall be very, VERY disappointed.
HARRY: Hey, I was just thinking...
NIGEL: Hah! Guess there is a first time for everything.
HARRY: I was just thinking...
NIGEL: Oh, and a second time for everything!
HARRY: Shut up, Nige, I’m trying to talk. Now, I always thought that Dave’s tricolour coat was one of a kind.
ANDREW: It is. His mum made it before the combine harvester incident. Nasty business. Why’d you ask?
HARRY: There’s a girl over there, wearing it.
NIGEL: He’d never part with it! He must have been mugged and killed! How horrifying... I get his stuff.
Andrew pushes his way out of the queue as Eve approaches. Harry follows, supporting Nigel.
ANDREW: What’s wrong?
EVE: [BREATHLESS] Dave’s passed out on the beach... He needs help...
NIGEL: I could have told you that. Why are wearing his coat?
EVE: Huh? Oh, disguise. [SHRUGS IT OFF] Too hot for this.
She hands Harry the coat. The trio stare at her.
EVE: Now what?
NIGEL: Hey. You’re wearing leather. Leather. Very tight leather.
EVE: Well done, Nigel.
HARRY: Why is she dressed like a... like that?
EVE: I couldn’t find my clothes, all right. Now, come on, we have to find Dave, he’s ill.
NIGEL: Why do all the girls fuss over Dave and never me?
Harry shrugs, dislodging Nigel, who falls to the ground heavily.
10. BEACH
Dave is now sitting on a bench. Liz has wrapped a wet towel around his shoulders and is feeding him ice cream with a spoon.
LIZ: You feeling any better?
DAVE: A bit. Thanks for... rescuing me.
LIZ: You should wear a hat in this heat.
DAVE: I’m not sure it was the heat. I saw something truly hideous before I went swimming, maybe my brain couldn’t cope.
LIZ: Oh, what was it?
DAVE: I saw my boss on a nudist beach.
LIZ: Really?
DAVE: [LAUGHS] Nah, I just took these eye drops that let me see through the dimensions to the heart of the universe and the Great Old Ones were staring back at me.
LIZ: Yeah, I know which I’d prefer. What’s your name, sweetheart?
DAVE: David Mitchell Restal, but call me Dave. Everyone else does.
LIZ: Elizabeth Annabel Taylor, but call me Liz. [DAVE SNIGGERS] No, seriously. My parents hated me.
DAVE: I know the feeling.
LIZ: You got issues?
DAVE: [NODS] That’s why I’m on holiday. How about you?
LIZ: I’m coping. [SIGHS] Just. Still, at least I got to rescue a total stranger and so take my mind off my own problems.
DAVE: We should start a group. ‘Heavy Thinkers Anonymous’.
They chuckle, more relaxed.
LIZ: So, you got a home to go to?
DAVE: Yeah, but not here. I’m staying at that hotel over there.
LIZ: So am I! This is strangely synchronous.
DAVE: [LOST] Is that good?
LIZ: Sure.
Further up the beach, Andrew and Eve are brooding over the place she left Dave. Harry is still supporting Nigel.
EVE: He was here! I left him here, definitely!
ANDREW: He must have got better.
EVE: Can’t you follow the footprints or something?
ANDREW: [FROWNS] What makes you think I can do that?!
EVE: Oh, just expecting the unexpected.
ANDREW: Well, now you mention it, they do go in that direction.
They head up the beach.
NIGEL: [SOTTO] Harry, I know why she’s wearing that.
HARRY: [SOTTO] She said she lost her clothes.
NIGEL: [SOTTO] Yeah, but I worked out how she lost them.
HARRY: [SOTTO] Oh? How?
NIGEL: [SOTTO] She got lucky, I’m sure of it. There’s only so many things you can do naked.
HARRY: [SOTTO] Only if you have a small imagination.
NIGEL: Mine is gargantuan, Harry! My brain bleeds simply trying to comprehend its sheer vastness! Plus, my imagination’s pretty big as well.
Harry rolls his eyes and lets him fall. Harry walks off. Nigel struggles to rise when the tide rushes in and carries him out of view.
NIGEL: Oh, no, not AGAIN...
He is lost in the waves.
to be continued...
YOA # 11 (ii)
14. HOTEL ROOM
Nigel lies on a large bed, still as death. His eyes open slowly.
NIGEL: [CROAKS] What time is this? What place of man?
We see he is in a reasonably-sized hotel room. Andrew is dumping their possessions in the corner. Dave stands before a mirror. Sand still sticks to his skin and he is mopping some cuts and lesions on his face.
DAVE: It’s 8:30 in the evening. In Manly’s Carbon-Based Life-Form Youth Hostel, room 106. Get it?
NIGEL: Got it.
ANDREW: Good.
NIGEL: [SPITS] Urgh! There’s hairs in my mouth... Oh, God, what happened? How did I get here?
DAVE: We found you unconscious in the doorway of the hair dressers, singing a little song about goblins.
ANDREW: Yeah, your seduction plan? Didn’t work.
NIGEL: Well, it’s all very nice of you to visit, but...
DAVE: [CONFUSED] ‘Visit’?
NIGEL: Look, I appreciate it, but just let me convalesce OK? You can go to your own rooms and I’ll lighten up your lives by popping in when I need some cash.
ANDREW: Nigel - we’ve only got one bedroom.
NIGEL: What? One bedroom. You couldn’t afford any more?
The bathroom flushes in the background.
DAVE: Fraid not.
NIGEL: Dave, we are travelling with Eve Markson, daughter of Samuel Markson, Chief Executive of Euro-Globe Industries. Her cheque books are thicker than the average Honor Harrington! You cannot possibly be saying that we couldn’t get a better book than this?
Eve emerges from the bathroom. Dave enters.
EVE: Someone stole my cheque book, Nigel. And my wallet.
NIGEL: Tut! Typical bloody Australians!
EVE: You were the one who stole it! And managed to lose it before the police caught up with you, you stupid... pratt.
ANDREW: Hence our less-than-opulent surroundings.
Dave re-enters, clean and tidy with a different T-shirt.
DAVE: He’s up to speed yet?
NIGEL: [WORRIED] No, no, no, wait, wait.
ANDREW: Obviously not.
NIGEL: There’s only one bed.
DAVE: You’ve got a mind like a steel trap, Nigel. Rusty, dangerous and quite possibly illegal.
NIGEL: But don’t you know what this means?
EVE: What?
NIGEL: It means... we’re all going to have to sleep together in the same bed!!
Lightning, thunder, Wagnerian end-of-the-world-music as the three of them stare blankly at Nigel. The music, thunder and lightning end. They continue to stare at Nigel.
DAVE: Or.... not.
EVE: We could take it in turns sleeping in the bed?
NIGEL: Well, I’m not moving! I’m ill! How dare you suggest it?!?
ANDREW: He’s right. Who knows what diseases we could catch if we tried the bed after Nigel’s been in it?
NIGEL: Hah! Your diseases will probably sterilize this hotel!
ANDREW: Is that an insult or a compliment?
DAVE: I’d lean towards the former.
NIGEL: Look, the bed should rightfully be mine! Think about it! What am I supposed to say to the girls during the sex rampage? “Sorry, bitch, I haven’t got a bed so to speak of, but we can spend the night on the floor?”
EVE: You could go to their places?
NIGEL: What? All of them? For God’s sake, I’m not that good a multi-tasker! I’ve got to base my operation here!
EVE: I paid for this room with my emergency grand. I should get the bed. We’ll just wait until you fall back asleep and dump you on the floor. Then we’ll have the sheets changed and I can catch up on my beauty sleep.
NIGEL: Well, you’ll have a long time to wait! I’m not going to sleep at all. Ever!
ANDREW: Fair enough. Let’s go.
Andrew, Eve and Dave rise and head for the door.
NIGEL: Oi! Where are you going?
EVE: Nightclub down the road. You can stay here... awake.
NIGEL: Sod THAT for a game of soldiers...
Nigel leaps off the bed, agilely, before suddenly crying out in pain and collapsing. He clutches his chest, gasping for air.
NIGEL: ARGH! My heart! So c-c-c-cold... Gak!
ANDREW: Yeah, that’s probably a side effect of clinically dying twice today. Lucky that male life guard gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, huh?
Nigel squawks in horror and pain.
DAVE: Yeah, you need a week by the seaside to recover. No strenuous activity - not that you’d do any in the first place. But unless you think Manly women are turned on by oxygen tents, you better take it easy.
EVE: [MOCK SAD] Aww, you mean his non-blistering stop-sex-rampage is cancelled? How sad! Oh, well, can’t be helped.
Nigel manages to crawl onto the bed, extremely pale and sweaty.
NIGEL: Y-y-you can’t l-leave me here?
ANDREW: [LEAVING] Now you see me...
NIGEL: I m-m-might n-need urg-g-g-gent m-medical at-t-t-tention!
EVE: [LEAVING] You will if you don’t get my wallet back!
Dave is about to leave.
NIGEL: Please, Dave! Don’t leave me on my own again!
Dave pauses, looking guilty. Nigel is wheezing on the bed.
DAVE: You’ll be all right, Nigel.
NIGEL: [COUGHS] Look, Dave, you can either go out and feel really guilty and thus not enjoy yourself or you can stay with me and not enjoy yourself, but without the guilt. Hyuck! What’s it gonna be, hombre?
Dave sighs heavily.
15. LUCAN’S BAR
A reasonably sized, dimly-lit pub still decked out with Christmas decorations. Locals and visitors make the place just slightly too crowded – surfies, tourists, families, suspicious-looking Middle Eastern figures, all happily enjoying themselves. Andrew and Eve enter, her shirt tied around her waist.
EVE: We should have taken Dave with us.
ANDREW: Hey, he made the decision. For once.
EVE: Oh, like you’ve never been indecisive?
ANDREW: Well, I used to be. Now I’m not so sure. What would you like to drink, Eve?
EVE: I suppose adrenaline and soma’s out of the question?
ANDREW: If it wasn’t, I’d already be drunk on it.
They stride past a table where a cute redhead and two brunettes sit. They follow the duo with their eyes.
ASHLEY: Jesus, check out the arse on that.
JAN: Must work out.
LIZ: Did you hear that accent? Sex on a stick!
JAN: The guy wasn’t too bad, either.
Andrew and Eve reach the bar. Harry sits there, drinking.
ANDREW: Harry?! What are you doing here?
HARRY: Andrew! You never said you were going to Paris for your holidays – you hate the French!
ANDREW: Yeah, but this isn’t Paris.
HARRY: It isn’t?
ANDREW: No. It’s Manly.
HARRY: I wondered why the homesickness wasn’t kicking in. I thought I was really picking up the language too, but I guess everyone’s speaking English. That explains why I haven’t needed to convert my currency, too. Want a drink?
ANDREW: Mercy buttercups. I’ll have a pint of absinthe in a half-pint glass and Eve will have some A&S, please.
Harry nods and flags down the bar tender.
EVE: You have strange friends.
ANDREW: You can talk!
EVE: What do you mean?
ANDREW: We’re friends, aren’t we?
EVE: Ah. Good point. Well made.
The redhead bumps into Eve, gives her a lingering look, a smile. Andrew and Eve nod, apologize and head for their table.
EVE: Well, she looked... nice.
ANDREW: Yeah, she did. [FROWNS] You all right?
EVE: Sure.
ANDREW: Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the Checked Desert? There are these sort of sponge like plants that grow right across it and all day they change their shapes so their shadows make a perfect square according to the position of the sun...
EVE: Um, Andrew? When you see a girl, do you normally feel something rush through your body? I mean, is that normal?
ANDREW: Depends. Is this girl a nurse applying an enema?
EVE: Something is seriously wrong with me.
ANDREW: What do you mean? What’s wrong with you?
ASHLEY: Nothing, as far as I can tell.
They turn and see the redhead from before standing nearby.
EVE: Hi. I’m Eve.
ASHLEY: Ashley. Would you like a drink?
EVE: [UNCERTAIN] Sure.
Ashley nods and leaves. Eve looks at her full glass in panic.
EVE: Oh no, what am I going to do about this?
ANDREW: Never fear!
He snatches the glass, drinks it all in one go, daintily wipes his mouth and belches loudly.
EVE: Thanks. I think.
ANDREW: [SLURRED SLIGHTLY] No hassle. Anyway, imagine it, a desert looking like a gignormous chessboard, a chess board that be seen from the moon...
16. HOTEL ROOM
Dave is sitting a chair, reading a book and very definitely avoiding Nigel, who just lies on the bed looking ill.
NIGEL: I appreciate this, Dave. I really do.
Dave ignores him.
NIGEL: There’s no need to be mad at me, though. You said yourself that relaxing just allowed all your dark thoughts to gang up on you and make you depressed. And that’s hardly my fault, is it? I’ve done you a favor. Dave? Uh, hello? Dave? Am I invisible? Dave? Talk to me!
DAVE: Shut the hell up.
NIGEL: What?
DAVE: You wanted me to talk.
NIGEL: I didn’t want generic abuse!
DAVE: OK. You’re a sad, bipolar nymphomaniac virgin with fewer scruples than Alexander Downer.
NIGEL: [BESIDE HIMSELF WITH RAGE] ...What was that?
DAVE: Specific abuse.
NIGEL: Very amusing. Hey, tell you what. You were right about sea air being good for the health. Let’s go down to the beach.
DAVE: [BAFFLED] It’s almost nine o’clock!
NIGEL: So? There are bound to be some... [COUGHS LOUDLY] Look. There’s a lovely patch of beach where the tourists don’t go. A little cove to the east, a kilometre or so, very secluded. I think it’s peace, tranquility and harmony could do untold wealth for my health. Etc.
DAVE: Etc?
NIGEL: Come on. At least we get out of this place?
DAVE: I’ve had enough of beaches for today. How’d you know about this cove anyway?
NIGEL: I’ve been here before. In fact, I suggested we come here solely so I could... [BEAT] enjoy myself in the cove.
DAVE: [ROLLS EYES] Oh, as generous as ever!
Nigel completely misses the sarcasm.
NIGEL: I thought so. So, let’s go there right away.
DAVE: No. I’m staying here and so are you. Your immune system’s shot to hell, remember?
NIGEL: I’m feeling better. A lot better. I’m feeling FANTASTIC!
Nigel tries but fails to hide a grimace. He retches.
NIGEL: Come on, man, this is medicinal.
DAVE: No. What’s so special about the cove anyway?
NIGEL: It’s just... special. There are... views. Fantastic views. I can honestly say that some of the best views in Australia can be found there.
DAVE: I don’t buy it. You’re lying.
NIGEL: I am not lying!
DAVE: You are!
NIGEL: God damn it, why must you always disagree with me?
DAVE: What?
NIGEL: You do it all the time!
DAVE: I do not!
NIGEL: There you go again. Christ, you just cannot control yourself, can you?
DAVE: I can SO control myself!
NIGEL: There you go again, Dave, disagreeing with me! You’re always doing it! Always!
DAVE: I am not!
NIGEL: You did! You just did! This is all to spite me!
DAVE: That’s total crap, Nige...
NIGEL: See! See! You’re doing it now!
DAVE: Am not!
NIGEL: Are too!
DAVE: Am not!
NIGEL: Are too! Are too! Are too!
DAVE: Look, why do you want to go there anyway?
NIGEL: I don’t have to tell you anything!
DAVE: Guess not. You can just stay here in bed while I respect your privacy like a proper Australian.
NIGEL: Look, why can’t we go? I have a perfectly legitimate reason for wanting to go there?
DAVE: Well what is it?
NIGEL: [SNAPS] BECAUSE IT’S A NUDIST—- a, er, new... dest... tination... A new place to go to. Travel broadens the mind, remember?
DAVE: You spent the whole ferry trip arguing that it didn’t broaden the mind, remember?
NIGEL: I did? Well, can’t I change my mind?
DAVE: Sure you can. You’re still not going.
NIGEL: This is...
DAVE: And you just said you’d been there before. Besides, I can’t risk you going out there. What if you saw that life saver? Your heart might give up the ghost entirely.
NIGEL: I’m not just a run of the mill sex-crazed criminal degenerate titty-bar frequenter... WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!
Rapid fade to black.
17. INTERMISSION
Faintly anthemic music plays as we see a slideshow of Australian landscapes - the ocean, the bush, various landmarks, a stoned koala in a tea, some kangaroos boxing, a skeleton dangling from a tree with GO BACK! KATH AND KIM LIVE HERE scrawled on a sign nearby, a kookaburra... A calm, convincing voiceover man narrates (we see what they say via a scrolling caption superimposed):
ANNOUNCER: The ABC wishes to spare viewers from hearing exactly what it is Nigel is telling Dave. Suffice it to say that Nigel was determined to go to the nudist beach and to do that he needed to disgust Dave sufficiently for him to run off and leave Nigel unguarded so he could escape. To do this, Nigel decided to let loose with such foul imagery and tortured metaphor most people would have been violently ill upon hearing it. The sheer evilness would get Nigel stoned to death in even the most uncivilized of locales. Like Cronulla, for instance. Well, Nigel should be finished with Dave by now, so let us return to The Youth of Australia.
18. HOTEL ROOM
As before. Nigel is now shouting furiously at the top of his voice while Dave stares at him, in total shock.
NIGEL: Underage?! They were ALL underage! Candy and Cookie, the blondes, well, I won them in a CARD GAME when they were TEN YEARS OLD! They were mine by right! So what I had them do to each other was...
Incredibly quick cut to blackness.
19. INTERMISSION
After a few seconds the slideshow returns.
ANNOUNCER: Er, yes, well, quite. Obviously Nigel’s campaign of pure evil psychological torture is obviously overwhelming Dave before he can be violently ill on the carpet. So, we’ll just wait a minute. I’m sure he’ll be finished soon. Very soon. In fact, I think, yes, he’s nearly over...
20. HOTEL ROOM
As before.
NIGEL: Now, you see, Dave, the curious thing about buggering a five year old girl is that-
21. INTERMISSION
And back again.
ANNOUNCER: [HASTILY] Hahahaha! What a joker! Seriously, though, he’s... he’s... He’s probably just getting sidetracked. I mean, it’s just like it was said on Nigel’s mid-term report card “Nigella has the necessary abilities but is too easily distracted by unrelated subjects”. For those of you curious to know what those unrelated subjects are, the answers are - sheep farming, Marrickville milk bars, and overseas inflation rates in regard to the Yen. Anyway, Nigel should be finished by now...
22. HOTEL ROOM
Nigel is rolling his eyes, roaring loudly and almost demonically possessed. Dave continues to stare at him.
NIGEL: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART OF IT WAS? DO YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? IT WAS TRYING TO GET THE DIAPER BACK *ON*, AFTER I’D FINISHED WITH HER!!!
Dave begins to be sick. He turns and runs for the bathroom.
NIGEL: Hah! Never fails!
He leaps off the bed and heads for the window. Suddenly a dizzy expression washes over his face.
NIGEL: Ah. Bugger.
He collapses, unconscious.
23. NIGHT CLUB
Andrew, Harry and Eve are sitting at a table in various states of inebriation. They are surrounded by the three girls from before.
EVE: Why do we drink this shtuf? It doesn’t taste that nice, makes us think funny and gives us headaches in the morning!
ANDREW: Not for me. Maybe it’s my Irish genetic inheritance... Or maybe that partial lobotomy I had when I was born... never got a hangover in my life.
JAN: That’s not answering the question, is it?
ANDREW: Of why we drink, you mean? Because it wonderful, that’s why. When wine was discovered, wonderfully fantastically creative civilizations sprung up - Egypt, Greece, Roma! And the Dark Ages? Happened AFTER those civilizations had crumbled and ALCOHOL became rare. Until the Renaissance, when wine came back in fashion in the biggest surge of energy you can think of... You think the simultaneous creation of the Industrial Revolution and off-license WAS a coincidence?
HARRY: Well, it WAS!
ANDREW: But it fits my theory. So there.
Eve laughs loudly. So does Ashley, who rests her head against Eve’s shoulder. Eve sobers up slightly.
ANDREW: Think about it! Wine could actually create a civilization. All you need are some Neanderthals discovering the joy of over-ripe grapes fermenting on the vine and you’ve got wine. But if you want wine all year, not just in season, you’ve got to invent the barrel to store them!
LIZ: And if you want to enjoy wine you need cups for the wine to drink from!
ANDREW: Exactly, and that leads you to bottles to store the wine and cork to seal it. But by this time, customs and excise would appear to tax wine. But that would be ridiculous, so they have to find an excuse to tax other things, so transport - planes and boats - will need to be built!
ASHLEY: Next thing you know, civilization!
ANDREW: Exactly!
Long pause.
ANDREW: You know, I think if, in another time and place in the strange dream of history, we’d all met in our late teens, we could really have meant something to each other.
JAN: We ARE in our late teens.
Beat.
ANDREW: Oh, he shoots he scores!
Andrew falls off his stool. Everyone laughs. Eve tenses as an arm slides around her shoulder. It’s Liz, not Ashley as she was expecting.
24. HOTEL ROOM
It is early morning. Dave is lying on the bed, looking queasy. Nigel lies sprawled on the ground, shivering.
NIGEL: [GROANS] Oh god. It feels like someone’s cut open my skull and dropped some burning coals onto my brain.
DAVE: [WEAKLY] Doesn’t matter. No pain sensors in the brain – if they did that you couldn’t feel a thing.
NIGEL: You want to put that to the test?
DAVE: Shut up, Nigel. I just threw up everything I ever ate thanks to you, you sick, twisted freak of sub-natural substances...
NIGEL: Hey, how do you think I feel? I had to think up that stuff, make it convincing AND not vomit all over the place. [WHIMPERS] Oh God, it’s so bloody hot here! I hate it!
DAVE: At least you’re not freezing to death any more.
NIGEL: So hot, can’t take it any more...
DAVE: Well, expire in silence.
NIGEL: This is so unfair. Why must I sleep on the floor? That bed should rightfully be mine! Oh, mighty Zarquon, how can this get ANY worse?
The door opens. Because Nigel is lying near it, it cracks against his skull. He moans and rolls over as Andrew skips into the room, humming “John Elliot’s Nose” to himself. He carries an empty pint glass which he hurls up into the air as he jumps over Nigel’s body. Unfortunately, the glass falls straight down onto Andrew’s head and shatters. Still continuing his ditty, Andrew spins on the spot and collapses on top of Nigel, who screams in pain. The door opens again and hits Nigel’s head again and he screams. Harry peers round the door.
HARRY: Room fer one more?
DAVE: [SITS UP] Harry? What are you doing here? Where’s Eve?
25. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
Identical to the previous room, but tidier with the lights off. Eve staggers into it, half-supported by Ashley, along with Jan and Liz and several other teenage girls. Eve giggles.
EVE: So, what happens now?
ASHLEY: What do you want?
Eve swallows.
EVE: [NERVOUS] Uh, anything good on TV?
JAN: Not at this time of night.
EVE: We could rent a movie?
LIZ: Shop’s closed.
EVE: [INCREASINGLY DESPERATE] Hmm, maybe we could just listen to some music on the radio and... talk. Girl talk. Stuff like that.
ASHLEY: What should we talk about?
EVE: I don’t know... [SHRUGS] boys?
ASHLEY: [UNIMPRESSED] Boys.
EVE: Well, er, anyone got a boyfriend? I can ask you how he is and we can talk about the stuff you do, but I guess...
ASHLEY: I don’t have boyfriends.
EVE: Aw. Well, er, you just keep trying.
ASHLEY: [FLATLY] I have girlfriends.
EVE: I sort of expected you to say that.
ASHLEY: And how about you?
EVE: Oh, that's so hard to say.
ASHLEY: So don’t say anything.
Eve sighs and looks around.
EVE: There’s a subtext to this conversation, isn’t there?
ASHLEY: [FLIRTATIOUS] Aren’t you interested?
EVE: [AWKWARDLY] Well, er, mildly. Excuse me just one moment.
She slides towards the bathroom, keeping her back to the wall as she does so. Then she bolts into bathroom.
26. BATHROOM
A small, compact bathroom with a toilet, shower and sink. A window shows the street below outside. Eve rushes in, slams the door, clamping a hand over her heart.
27. OTHER HOTEL ROOM
The others glance at Ashley.
ASHLEY: [LAUGHS] I think I’m in love.
LIZ: Nah, you’re just a slut.
ASHLEY: A romantic slut.
JAN: That makes all the difference.
28. BATHROOM
As before. Eve is pacing, anxious.
EVE: This is all going so fast! What would mother say?
Lose focus. Eve’s mother, an imperious Hollywood bitch, forms in the blur, her voice echoing.
MOTHER: [DIST] I have never seen that girl before in my life, Your Honor, this is nothing but slander!
The hallucination fades, leaving Eve where she was.
EVE: OK. Bad example. What about Nigel?
A hallucination of Nigel appears.
NIGEL: [DIST] I can’t believe this Eve! Sleeping with someone who isn’t me! WHAT KIND OF MAD WOMAN ARE YOU?!
EVE: [INTERRUPTS] Andrew?
Nigel fades. Andrew appears, singing a Paul Kelly song.
ANDREW: [DIST] I THREW MY HAT INTO THE RING!
I’ve done all the DUMB things!
Oh, sorry, wrong number.
Andrew fades and gets replaced by Dave.
DAVE: Eve... If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.
Dave fades. Eve nods with new resolve.
EVE: You’re right. I’ve got to get out of here. But how?
She looks around, desperately.
EVE: Of course! The window!
Eve takes a running jump at the closed window, intending to do a Hollywood smash-through-the-window-and-land-in-the-street-outside trick. However, the glass does not break, or even splinter. Eve bounces off the window and hits the tiled floor heavily. She sits up, eyes rolling, finding it hard to focus.
EVE: [DAZED] Kaaaaaaaaaaay...
She groggily gets to her feet.
EVE: [BRIGHTLY] Maybe try door this time!
She wobbles unsteadily to the door, opens it and looks through. We do not see what she sees, but she is surprised. The girls are giggling.
ASHLEY: [VO] There you are. You ready for this Evie?
Eve smiles widely, the concussion sinking in.
EVE: You betcha.
She falls over, unconscious. More giggling.
JAN: [VO] You only take the best, huh, Ashley?
As Eve groggily tries to lift her head, we hear...
NIGEL: [VO] Wake up! Wake up you freakish waste of stem-cell research!
29. HOTEL ROOM
Nigel’s angry face.
NIGEL: Get your foul, blubbery mass off my person!
Andrew’s eyes snap open.
ANDREW: [WIDE AWAKE] Nigel? What are you doing there?
NIGEL: Suffocating, you moron! Now get off me!
We see Andrew is lying on top of Nigel. He rises. Dave and Harry are also conscious and are waking up. It is daylight outside.
ANDREW: I don’t know what it was I drank last night, but some more of it wouldn’t go amiss... What time is it?
HARRY: Daytime.
ANDREW: Can you be any more specific?
Harry takes out his mobile and peers at it.
HARRY: There are some numbers but they could mean anything.
NIGEL: It’s half past twelve. I’ve been lying under your gut for the last six hours, breathing in toxic fumes.. [GRIMACES] God, I feel ill. What were you drinking last night?
ANDREW: I think... it was peyote.
HARRY: [PUZZLED] Nah, that cactus was whole. You just added gin to the soil, remember?
ANDREW: [SMILES] Yeah, I did, didn’t I?
NIGEL: God, this is so unfair. I’ve lost a whole day of this holiday, over twenty four hours stuck in this hotel room when I should have been out there! Climbing the walls of ecstasy! Instead I’m here, climbing the walls of insanity and feeling like I’ve eaten a bucket of maggots fresh from the septic tank!
DAVE: It’s almost as if the universe wants to stay here sick and miss the entire holiday. I’m sure there’s a reason for such things happening. What a shame.
ANDREW: Yes. Tragic.
Long pause.
HARRY: Hey, there’s a fun fair on the other side of town, let’s check that out! Candy floss is on me!
ANDREW: Fantastic! Let’s go. See ya.
Harry and Andrew head for the door. Nigel struggles to rise.
NIGEL: You’re not going to leave me here on my own, are you?
HARRY: Dave’s here.
DAVE: Gimme a break, I watched over the bastard last night.
Andrew sighs, rolls his eyes.
ANDREW: Fine. You’re coming with us.
He grabs Nigel by the scruff of the neck. Nigel’s legs are useless and thus he is nearly choked. Harry takes pity on him.
ANDREW: You coming, Dave?
DAVE: [LYING BACK] Nah. I’ll catch up on a bit of sleep and then I think I’ll check out that cove Nigel mentioned. Sounds very nice.
NIGEL: [STARTLED] What? No, I want to stay with Dave.
ANDREW: No, he’s right, our turn.
NIGEL: But I don’t want to go to the funfair! I demand you leave me here! Let go of me you great hairy ape-shape...!
Harry leads the protesting Nigel out of view. Andrew waves.
ANDREW: See ya, Dave. Keep smiling!
Dave laughs. Andrew leaves.
ANDREW: [VO] Leave a note for Eve when she gets back.
DAVE: [FROWNS] Eve?
30. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
Close up of Eve’s face. There is a bruise on her forehead. She winces as she awakes.
EVE: [SOFTLY] Ow, my head... Why would Lennox Lewis punch me in the face? What the hell happened?
She looks around.
EVE: And why do I get the impression I don’t want to know?
She is lying in a bed sideways, in the crook of the sleeping Ashley’s arm. Jan is sprawled over their legs, face down, also asleep. Liz is slumped in corner beside the bed, hugging a bottle of scotch now empty. Eve runs a hand through her hair and then noticed her bare arm. And bare shoulders. And the fact that neither Ashley nor Jan appears to be wearing anything under their bedclothes.
EVE: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. [SOBS] Shit!
She looks around again and notices her bikini on the bedspread. It is dripping dry from an ugly stain. Eve tries to snatch it, but ends up with some of the stuff on her fingertips and it smells vile.
EVE: [WINCES] Yeee-uk! This will require some thought.
She lies there for a few moments, before getting upset.
EVE: Bugger!!
RUN END CREDITS - TO BE CONTINUED
Nigel lies on a large bed, still as death. His eyes open slowly.
NIGEL: [CROAKS] What time is this? What place of man?
We see he is in a reasonably-sized hotel room. Andrew is dumping their possessions in the corner. Dave stands before a mirror. Sand still sticks to his skin and he is mopping some cuts and lesions on his face.
DAVE: It’s 8:30 in the evening. In Manly’s Carbon-Based Life-Form Youth Hostel, room 106. Get it?
NIGEL: Got it.
ANDREW: Good.
NIGEL: [SPITS] Urgh! There’s hairs in my mouth... Oh, God, what happened? How did I get here?
DAVE: We found you unconscious in the doorway of the hair dressers, singing a little song about goblins.
ANDREW: Yeah, your seduction plan? Didn’t work.
NIGEL: Well, it’s all very nice of you to visit, but...
DAVE: [CONFUSED] ‘Visit’?
NIGEL: Look, I appreciate it, but just let me convalesce OK? You can go to your own rooms and I’ll lighten up your lives by popping in when I need some cash.
ANDREW: Nigel - we’ve only got one bedroom.
NIGEL: What? One bedroom. You couldn’t afford any more?
The bathroom flushes in the background.
DAVE: Fraid not.
NIGEL: Dave, we are travelling with Eve Markson, daughter of Samuel Markson, Chief Executive of Euro-Globe Industries. Her cheque books are thicker than the average Honor Harrington! You cannot possibly be saying that we couldn’t get a better book than this?
Eve emerges from the bathroom. Dave enters.
EVE: Someone stole my cheque book, Nigel. And my wallet.
NIGEL: Tut! Typical bloody Australians!
EVE: You were the one who stole it! And managed to lose it before the police caught up with you, you stupid... pratt.
ANDREW: Hence our less-than-opulent surroundings.
Dave re-enters, clean and tidy with a different T-shirt.
DAVE: He’s up to speed yet?
NIGEL: [WORRIED] No, no, no, wait, wait.
ANDREW: Obviously not.
NIGEL: There’s only one bed.
DAVE: You’ve got a mind like a steel trap, Nigel. Rusty, dangerous and quite possibly illegal.
NIGEL: But don’t you know what this means?
EVE: What?
NIGEL: It means... we’re all going to have to sleep together in the same bed!!
Lightning, thunder, Wagnerian end-of-the-world-music as the three of them stare blankly at Nigel. The music, thunder and lightning end. They continue to stare at Nigel.
DAVE: Or.... not.
EVE: We could take it in turns sleeping in the bed?
NIGEL: Well, I’m not moving! I’m ill! How dare you suggest it?!?
ANDREW: He’s right. Who knows what diseases we could catch if we tried the bed after Nigel’s been in it?
NIGEL: Hah! Your diseases will probably sterilize this hotel!
ANDREW: Is that an insult or a compliment?
DAVE: I’d lean towards the former.
NIGEL: Look, the bed should rightfully be mine! Think about it! What am I supposed to say to the girls during the sex rampage? “Sorry, bitch, I haven’t got a bed so to speak of, but we can spend the night on the floor?”
EVE: You could go to their places?
NIGEL: What? All of them? For God’s sake, I’m not that good a multi-tasker! I’ve got to base my operation here!
EVE: I paid for this room with my emergency grand. I should get the bed. We’ll just wait until you fall back asleep and dump you on the floor. Then we’ll have the sheets changed and I can catch up on my beauty sleep.
NIGEL: Well, you’ll have a long time to wait! I’m not going to sleep at all. Ever!
ANDREW: Fair enough. Let’s go.
Andrew, Eve and Dave rise and head for the door.
NIGEL: Oi! Where are you going?
EVE: Nightclub down the road. You can stay here... awake.
NIGEL: Sod THAT for a game of soldiers...
Nigel leaps off the bed, agilely, before suddenly crying out in pain and collapsing. He clutches his chest, gasping for air.
NIGEL: ARGH! My heart! So c-c-c-cold... Gak!
ANDREW: Yeah, that’s probably a side effect of clinically dying twice today. Lucky that male life guard gave you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, huh?
Nigel squawks in horror and pain.
DAVE: Yeah, you need a week by the seaside to recover. No strenuous activity - not that you’d do any in the first place. But unless you think Manly women are turned on by oxygen tents, you better take it easy.
EVE: [MOCK SAD] Aww, you mean his non-blistering stop-sex-rampage is cancelled? How sad! Oh, well, can’t be helped.
Nigel manages to crawl onto the bed, extremely pale and sweaty.
NIGEL: Y-y-you can’t l-leave me here?
ANDREW: [LEAVING] Now you see me...
NIGEL: I m-m-might n-need urg-g-g-gent m-medical at-t-t-tention!
EVE: [LEAVING] You will if you don’t get my wallet back!
Dave is about to leave.
NIGEL: Please, Dave! Don’t leave me on my own again!
Dave pauses, looking guilty. Nigel is wheezing on the bed.
DAVE: You’ll be all right, Nigel.
NIGEL: [COUGHS] Look, Dave, you can either go out and feel really guilty and thus not enjoy yourself or you can stay with me and not enjoy yourself, but without the guilt. Hyuck! What’s it gonna be, hombre?
Dave sighs heavily.
15. LUCAN’S BAR
A reasonably sized, dimly-lit pub still decked out with Christmas decorations. Locals and visitors make the place just slightly too crowded – surfies, tourists, families, suspicious-looking Middle Eastern figures, all happily enjoying themselves. Andrew and Eve enter, her shirt tied around her waist.
EVE: We should have taken Dave with us.
ANDREW: Hey, he made the decision. For once.
EVE: Oh, like you’ve never been indecisive?
ANDREW: Well, I used to be. Now I’m not so sure. What would you like to drink, Eve?
EVE: I suppose adrenaline and soma’s out of the question?
ANDREW: If it wasn’t, I’d already be drunk on it.
They stride past a table where a cute redhead and two brunettes sit. They follow the duo with their eyes.
ASHLEY: Jesus, check out the arse on that.
JAN: Must work out.
LIZ: Did you hear that accent? Sex on a stick!
JAN: The guy wasn’t too bad, either.
Andrew and Eve reach the bar. Harry sits there, drinking.
ANDREW: Harry?! What are you doing here?
HARRY: Andrew! You never said you were going to Paris for your holidays – you hate the French!
ANDREW: Yeah, but this isn’t Paris.
HARRY: It isn’t?
ANDREW: No. It’s Manly.
HARRY: I wondered why the homesickness wasn’t kicking in. I thought I was really picking up the language too, but I guess everyone’s speaking English. That explains why I haven’t needed to convert my currency, too. Want a drink?
ANDREW: Mercy buttercups. I’ll have a pint of absinthe in a half-pint glass and Eve will have some A&S, please.
Harry nods and flags down the bar tender.
EVE: You have strange friends.
ANDREW: You can talk!
EVE: What do you mean?
ANDREW: We’re friends, aren’t we?
EVE: Ah. Good point. Well made.
The redhead bumps into Eve, gives her a lingering look, a smile. Andrew and Eve nod, apologize and head for their table.
EVE: Well, she looked... nice.
ANDREW: Yeah, she did. [FROWNS] You all right?
EVE: Sure.
ANDREW: Did I ever tell you about the time I went to the Checked Desert? There are these sort of sponge like plants that grow right across it and all day they change their shapes so their shadows make a perfect square according to the position of the sun...
EVE: Um, Andrew? When you see a girl, do you normally feel something rush through your body? I mean, is that normal?
ANDREW: Depends. Is this girl a nurse applying an enema?
EVE: Something is seriously wrong with me.
ANDREW: What do you mean? What’s wrong with you?
ASHLEY: Nothing, as far as I can tell.
They turn and see the redhead from before standing nearby.
EVE: Hi. I’m Eve.
ASHLEY: Ashley. Would you like a drink?
EVE: [UNCERTAIN] Sure.
Ashley nods and leaves. Eve looks at her full glass in panic.
EVE: Oh no, what am I going to do about this?
ANDREW: Never fear!
He snatches the glass, drinks it all in one go, daintily wipes his mouth and belches loudly.
EVE: Thanks. I think.
ANDREW: [SLURRED SLIGHTLY] No hassle. Anyway, imagine it, a desert looking like a gignormous chessboard, a chess board that be seen from the moon...
16. HOTEL ROOM
Dave is sitting a chair, reading a book and very definitely avoiding Nigel, who just lies on the bed looking ill.
NIGEL: I appreciate this, Dave. I really do.
Dave ignores him.
NIGEL: There’s no need to be mad at me, though. You said yourself that relaxing just allowed all your dark thoughts to gang up on you and make you depressed. And that’s hardly my fault, is it? I’ve done you a favor. Dave? Uh, hello? Dave? Am I invisible? Dave? Talk to me!
DAVE: Shut the hell up.
NIGEL: What?
DAVE: You wanted me to talk.
NIGEL: I didn’t want generic abuse!
DAVE: OK. You’re a sad, bipolar nymphomaniac virgin with fewer scruples than Alexander Downer.
NIGEL: [BESIDE HIMSELF WITH RAGE] ...What was that?
DAVE: Specific abuse.
NIGEL: Very amusing. Hey, tell you what. You were right about sea air being good for the health. Let’s go down to the beach.
DAVE: [BAFFLED] It’s almost nine o’clock!
NIGEL: So? There are bound to be some... [COUGHS LOUDLY] Look. There’s a lovely patch of beach where the tourists don’t go. A little cove to the east, a kilometre or so, very secluded. I think it’s peace, tranquility and harmony could do untold wealth for my health. Etc.
DAVE: Etc?
NIGEL: Come on. At least we get out of this place?
DAVE: I’ve had enough of beaches for today. How’d you know about this cove anyway?
NIGEL: I’ve been here before. In fact, I suggested we come here solely so I could... [BEAT] enjoy myself in the cove.
DAVE: [ROLLS EYES] Oh, as generous as ever!
Nigel completely misses the sarcasm.
NIGEL: I thought so. So, let’s go there right away.
DAVE: No. I’m staying here and so are you. Your immune system’s shot to hell, remember?
NIGEL: I’m feeling better. A lot better. I’m feeling FANTASTIC!
Nigel tries but fails to hide a grimace. He retches.
NIGEL: Come on, man, this is medicinal.
DAVE: No. What’s so special about the cove anyway?
NIGEL: It’s just... special. There are... views. Fantastic views. I can honestly say that some of the best views in Australia can be found there.
DAVE: I don’t buy it. You’re lying.
NIGEL: I am not lying!
DAVE: You are!
NIGEL: God damn it, why must you always disagree with me?
DAVE: What?
NIGEL: You do it all the time!
DAVE: I do not!
NIGEL: There you go again. Christ, you just cannot control yourself, can you?
DAVE: I can SO control myself!
NIGEL: There you go again, Dave, disagreeing with me! You’re always doing it! Always!
DAVE: I am not!
NIGEL: You did! You just did! This is all to spite me!
DAVE: That’s total crap, Nige...
NIGEL: See! See! You’re doing it now!
DAVE: Am not!
NIGEL: Are too!
DAVE: Am not!
NIGEL: Are too! Are too! Are too!
DAVE: Look, why do you want to go there anyway?
NIGEL: I don’t have to tell you anything!
DAVE: Guess not. You can just stay here in bed while I respect your privacy like a proper Australian.
NIGEL: Look, why can’t we go? I have a perfectly legitimate reason for wanting to go there?
DAVE: Well what is it?
NIGEL: [SNAPS] BECAUSE IT’S A NUDIST—- a, er, new... dest... tination... A new place to go to. Travel broadens the mind, remember?
DAVE: You spent the whole ferry trip arguing that it didn’t broaden the mind, remember?
NIGEL: I did? Well, can’t I change my mind?
DAVE: Sure you can. You’re still not going.
NIGEL: This is...
DAVE: And you just said you’d been there before. Besides, I can’t risk you going out there. What if you saw that life saver? Your heart might give up the ghost entirely.
NIGEL: I’m not just a run of the mill sex-crazed criminal degenerate titty-bar frequenter... WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!!!
Rapid fade to black.
17. INTERMISSION
Faintly anthemic music plays as we see a slideshow of Australian landscapes - the ocean, the bush, various landmarks, a stoned koala in a tea, some kangaroos boxing, a skeleton dangling from a tree with GO BACK! KATH AND KIM LIVE HERE scrawled on a sign nearby, a kookaburra... A calm, convincing voiceover man narrates (we see what they say via a scrolling caption superimposed):
ANNOUNCER: The ABC wishes to spare viewers from hearing exactly what it is Nigel is telling Dave. Suffice it to say that Nigel was determined to go to the nudist beach and to do that he needed to disgust Dave sufficiently for him to run off and leave Nigel unguarded so he could escape. To do this, Nigel decided to let loose with such foul imagery and tortured metaphor most people would have been violently ill upon hearing it. The sheer evilness would get Nigel stoned to death in even the most uncivilized of locales. Like Cronulla, for instance. Well, Nigel should be finished with Dave by now, so let us return to The Youth of Australia.
18. HOTEL ROOM
As before. Nigel is now shouting furiously at the top of his voice while Dave stares at him, in total shock.
NIGEL: Underage?! They were ALL underage! Candy and Cookie, the blondes, well, I won them in a CARD GAME when they were TEN YEARS OLD! They were mine by right! So what I had them do to each other was...
Incredibly quick cut to blackness.
19. INTERMISSION
After a few seconds the slideshow returns.
ANNOUNCER: Er, yes, well, quite. Obviously Nigel’s campaign of pure evil psychological torture is obviously overwhelming Dave before he can be violently ill on the carpet. So, we’ll just wait a minute. I’m sure he’ll be finished soon. Very soon. In fact, I think, yes, he’s nearly over...
20. HOTEL ROOM
As before.
NIGEL: Now, you see, Dave, the curious thing about buggering a five year old girl is that-
21. INTERMISSION
And back again.
ANNOUNCER: [HASTILY] Hahahaha! What a joker! Seriously, though, he’s... he’s... He’s probably just getting sidetracked. I mean, it’s just like it was said on Nigel’s mid-term report card “Nigella has the necessary abilities but is too easily distracted by unrelated subjects”. For those of you curious to know what those unrelated subjects are, the answers are - sheep farming, Marrickville milk bars, and overseas inflation rates in regard to the Yen. Anyway, Nigel should be finished by now...
22. HOTEL ROOM
Nigel is rolling his eyes, roaring loudly and almost demonically possessed. Dave continues to stare at him.
NIGEL: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORST PART OF IT WAS? DO YOU? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA? IT WAS TRYING TO GET THE DIAPER BACK *ON*, AFTER I’D FINISHED WITH HER!!!
Dave begins to be sick. He turns and runs for the bathroom.
NIGEL: Hah! Never fails!
He leaps off the bed and heads for the window. Suddenly a dizzy expression washes over his face.
NIGEL: Ah. Bugger.
He collapses, unconscious.
23. NIGHT CLUB
Andrew, Harry and Eve are sitting at a table in various states of inebriation. They are surrounded by the three girls from before.
EVE: Why do we drink this shtuf? It doesn’t taste that nice, makes us think funny and gives us headaches in the morning!
ANDREW: Not for me. Maybe it’s my Irish genetic inheritance... Or maybe that partial lobotomy I had when I was born... never got a hangover in my life.
JAN: That’s not answering the question, is it?
ANDREW: Of why we drink, you mean? Because it wonderful, that’s why. When wine was discovered, wonderfully fantastically creative civilizations sprung up - Egypt, Greece, Roma! And the Dark Ages? Happened AFTER those civilizations had crumbled and ALCOHOL became rare. Until the Renaissance, when wine came back in fashion in the biggest surge of energy you can think of... You think the simultaneous creation of the Industrial Revolution and off-license WAS a coincidence?
HARRY: Well, it WAS!
ANDREW: But it fits my theory. So there.
Eve laughs loudly. So does Ashley, who rests her head against Eve’s shoulder. Eve sobers up slightly.
ANDREW: Think about it! Wine could actually create a civilization. All you need are some Neanderthals discovering the joy of over-ripe grapes fermenting on the vine and you’ve got wine. But if you want wine all year, not just in season, you’ve got to invent the barrel to store them!
LIZ: And if you want to enjoy wine you need cups for the wine to drink from!
ANDREW: Exactly, and that leads you to bottles to store the wine and cork to seal it. But by this time, customs and excise would appear to tax wine. But that would be ridiculous, so they have to find an excuse to tax other things, so transport - planes and boats - will need to be built!
ASHLEY: Next thing you know, civilization!
ANDREW: Exactly!
Long pause.
ANDREW: You know, I think if, in another time and place in the strange dream of history, we’d all met in our late teens, we could really have meant something to each other.
JAN: We ARE in our late teens.
Beat.
ANDREW: Oh, he shoots he scores!
Andrew falls off his stool. Everyone laughs. Eve tenses as an arm slides around her shoulder. It’s Liz, not Ashley as she was expecting.
24. HOTEL ROOM
It is early morning. Dave is lying on the bed, looking queasy. Nigel lies sprawled on the ground, shivering.
NIGEL: [GROANS] Oh god. It feels like someone’s cut open my skull and dropped some burning coals onto my brain.
DAVE: [WEAKLY] Doesn’t matter. No pain sensors in the brain – if they did that you couldn’t feel a thing.
NIGEL: You want to put that to the test?
DAVE: Shut up, Nigel. I just threw up everything I ever ate thanks to you, you sick, twisted freak of sub-natural substances...
NIGEL: Hey, how do you think I feel? I had to think up that stuff, make it convincing AND not vomit all over the place. [WHIMPERS] Oh God, it’s so bloody hot here! I hate it!
DAVE: At least you’re not freezing to death any more.
NIGEL: So hot, can’t take it any more...
DAVE: Well, expire in silence.
NIGEL: This is so unfair. Why must I sleep on the floor? That bed should rightfully be mine! Oh, mighty Zarquon, how can this get ANY worse?
The door opens. Because Nigel is lying near it, it cracks against his skull. He moans and rolls over as Andrew skips into the room, humming “John Elliot’s Nose” to himself. He carries an empty pint glass which he hurls up into the air as he jumps over Nigel’s body. Unfortunately, the glass falls straight down onto Andrew’s head and shatters. Still continuing his ditty, Andrew spins on the spot and collapses on top of Nigel, who screams in pain. The door opens again and hits Nigel’s head again and he screams. Harry peers round the door.
HARRY: Room fer one more?
DAVE: [SITS UP] Harry? What are you doing here? Where’s Eve?
25. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
Identical to the previous room, but tidier with the lights off. Eve staggers into it, half-supported by Ashley, along with Jan and Liz and several other teenage girls. Eve giggles.
EVE: So, what happens now?
ASHLEY: What do you want?
Eve swallows.
EVE: [NERVOUS] Uh, anything good on TV?
JAN: Not at this time of night.
EVE: We could rent a movie?
LIZ: Shop’s closed.
EVE: [INCREASINGLY DESPERATE] Hmm, maybe we could just listen to some music on the radio and... talk. Girl talk. Stuff like that.
ASHLEY: What should we talk about?
EVE: I don’t know... [SHRUGS] boys?
ASHLEY: [UNIMPRESSED] Boys.
EVE: Well, er, anyone got a boyfriend? I can ask you how he is and we can talk about the stuff you do, but I guess...
ASHLEY: I don’t have boyfriends.
EVE: Aw. Well, er, you just keep trying.
ASHLEY: [FLATLY] I have girlfriends.
EVE: I sort of expected you to say that.
ASHLEY: And how about you?
EVE: Oh, that's so hard to say.
ASHLEY: So don’t say anything.
Eve sighs and looks around.
EVE: There’s a subtext to this conversation, isn’t there?
ASHLEY: [FLIRTATIOUS] Aren’t you interested?
EVE: [AWKWARDLY] Well, er, mildly. Excuse me just one moment.
She slides towards the bathroom, keeping her back to the wall as she does so. Then she bolts into bathroom.
26. BATHROOM
A small, compact bathroom with a toilet, shower and sink. A window shows the street below outside. Eve rushes in, slams the door, clamping a hand over her heart.
27. OTHER HOTEL ROOM
The others glance at Ashley.
ASHLEY: [LAUGHS] I think I’m in love.
LIZ: Nah, you’re just a slut.
ASHLEY: A romantic slut.
JAN: That makes all the difference.
28. BATHROOM
As before. Eve is pacing, anxious.
EVE: This is all going so fast! What would mother say?
Lose focus. Eve’s mother, an imperious Hollywood bitch, forms in the blur, her voice echoing.
MOTHER: [DIST] I have never seen that girl before in my life, Your Honor, this is nothing but slander!
The hallucination fades, leaving Eve where she was.
EVE: OK. Bad example. What about Nigel?
A hallucination of Nigel appears.
NIGEL: [DIST] I can’t believe this Eve! Sleeping with someone who isn’t me! WHAT KIND OF MAD WOMAN ARE YOU?!
EVE: [INTERRUPTS] Andrew?
Nigel fades. Andrew appears, singing a Paul Kelly song.
ANDREW: [DIST] I THREW MY HAT INTO THE RING!
I’ve done all the DUMB things!
Oh, sorry, wrong number.
Andrew fades and gets replaced by Dave.
DAVE: Eve... If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.
Dave fades. Eve nods with new resolve.
EVE: You’re right. I’ve got to get out of here. But how?
She looks around, desperately.
EVE: Of course! The window!
Eve takes a running jump at the closed window, intending to do a Hollywood smash-through-the-window-and-land-in-the-street-outside trick. However, the glass does not break, or even splinter. Eve bounces off the window and hits the tiled floor heavily. She sits up, eyes rolling, finding it hard to focus.
EVE: [DAZED] Kaaaaaaaaaaay...
She groggily gets to her feet.
EVE: [BRIGHTLY] Maybe try door this time!
She wobbles unsteadily to the door, opens it and looks through. We do not see what she sees, but she is surprised. The girls are giggling.
ASHLEY: [VO] There you are. You ready for this Evie?
Eve smiles widely, the concussion sinking in.
EVE: You betcha.
She falls over, unconscious. More giggling.
JAN: [VO] You only take the best, huh, Ashley?
As Eve groggily tries to lift her head, we hear...
NIGEL: [VO] Wake up! Wake up you freakish waste of stem-cell research!
29. HOTEL ROOM
Nigel’s angry face.
NIGEL: Get your foul, blubbery mass off my person!
Andrew’s eyes snap open.
ANDREW: [WIDE AWAKE] Nigel? What are you doing there?
NIGEL: Suffocating, you moron! Now get off me!
We see Andrew is lying on top of Nigel. He rises. Dave and Harry are also conscious and are waking up. It is daylight outside.
ANDREW: I don’t know what it was I drank last night, but some more of it wouldn’t go amiss... What time is it?
HARRY: Daytime.
ANDREW: Can you be any more specific?
Harry takes out his mobile and peers at it.
HARRY: There are some numbers but they could mean anything.
NIGEL: It’s half past twelve. I’ve been lying under your gut for the last six hours, breathing in toxic fumes.. [GRIMACES] God, I feel ill. What were you drinking last night?
ANDREW: I think... it was peyote.
HARRY: [PUZZLED] Nah, that cactus was whole. You just added gin to the soil, remember?
ANDREW: [SMILES] Yeah, I did, didn’t I?
NIGEL: God, this is so unfair. I’ve lost a whole day of this holiday, over twenty four hours stuck in this hotel room when I should have been out there! Climbing the walls of ecstasy! Instead I’m here, climbing the walls of insanity and feeling like I’ve eaten a bucket of maggots fresh from the septic tank!
DAVE: It’s almost as if the universe wants to stay here sick and miss the entire holiday. I’m sure there’s a reason for such things happening. What a shame.
ANDREW: Yes. Tragic.
Long pause.
HARRY: Hey, there’s a fun fair on the other side of town, let’s check that out! Candy floss is on me!
ANDREW: Fantastic! Let’s go. See ya.
Harry and Andrew head for the door. Nigel struggles to rise.
NIGEL: You’re not going to leave me here on my own, are you?
HARRY: Dave’s here.
DAVE: Gimme a break, I watched over the bastard last night.
Andrew sighs, rolls his eyes.
ANDREW: Fine. You’re coming with us.
He grabs Nigel by the scruff of the neck. Nigel’s legs are useless and thus he is nearly choked. Harry takes pity on him.
ANDREW: You coming, Dave?
DAVE: [LYING BACK] Nah. I’ll catch up on a bit of sleep and then I think I’ll check out that cove Nigel mentioned. Sounds very nice.
NIGEL: [STARTLED] What? No, I want to stay with Dave.
ANDREW: No, he’s right, our turn.
NIGEL: But I don’t want to go to the funfair! I demand you leave me here! Let go of me you great hairy ape-shape...!
Harry leads the protesting Nigel out of view. Andrew waves.
ANDREW: See ya, Dave. Keep smiling!
Dave laughs. Andrew leaves.
ANDREW: [VO] Leave a note for Eve when she gets back.
DAVE: [FROWNS] Eve?
30. ANOTHER HOTEL ROOM
Close up of Eve’s face. There is a bruise on her forehead. She winces as she awakes.
EVE: [SOFTLY] Ow, my head... Why would Lennox Lewis punch me in the face? What the hell happened?
She looks around.
EVE: And why do I get the impression I don’t want to know?
She is lying in a bed sideways, in the crook of the sleeping Ashley’s arm. Jan is sprawled over their legs, face down, also asleep. Liz is slumped in corner beside the bed, hugging a bottle of scotch now empty. Eve runs a hand through her hair and then noticed her bare arm. And bare shoulders. And the fact that neither Ashley nor Jan appears to be wearing anything under their bedclothes.
EVE: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. [SOBS] Shit!
She looks around again and notices her bikini on the bedspread. It is dripping dry from an ugly stain. Eve tries to snatch it, but ends up with some of the stuff on her fingertips and it smells vile.
EVE: [WINCES] Yeee-uk! This will require some thought.
She lies there for a few moments, before getting upset.
EVE: Bugger!!
RUN END CREDITS - TO BE CONTINUED
YOA # 11 (i)
THE YOUTH OF AUSTRALIA
EPISODE ELEVEN: A Holiday Is As Good As A Change - Part I
by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE
and DAMIAN SANCHEZ
1. LIVING ROOM
We see a banner proclaiming MERRY CHRISTMAS! before it is suddenly and unceremoniously ripped down. Eve stands on a stepladder, handing to Andrew, who crumples it up and stuffs it into a recycling wheelie bin. Dave is shoving wrapping paper into a bin bag.
EVE: This is stupid! We just put this stuff up!
DAVE: And now we’re taking them down again. Think of it as the circle of life. This is recycled into more decorations and sold back to us at profit in under twelve months time.
EVE: That’s even MORE stupid!
DAVE: Welcome to my world. Sides, we can’t risk it on him.
We pull out to see Nigel (wearing a straightjacket), is tied to a chair in the corner, struggling to get free.
NIGEL: That is a foul slur! I’m in full control of my faculties.
He starts making clucking noises. His chair falls over.
EVE: OK then, what do we do now that Christmas is over?
ANDREW: Well, traditionally we spend the next week trying to finish off the excesses of food and alcohol poisoning before beginning a fresh batch as the year ends.
DAVE: Still, that’s not a problem, is it Andrew?
ANDREW: Hey, you said you were responsible for the leftovers.
DAVE: No, I said “I WOULDN’T be responsible for the leftovers”.
EVE: Well, you kept your word. And, excuse me, why was I the one who had to deal with what was left of the Turkey?
ANDREW: I was unconscious, Nigel was sedated and Dave was hungover.
NIGEL: Yeah, you got the easy job.
EVE: Easy? Getting up first thing in the morning to discover a maggot colony where breakfast was supposed to be is EASY?!
DAVE: You had control of your legs. Was easier than if we’d tried it. So, where were we? Yeah, let’s round off the year with a holiday!
ANDREW: Yes! And I have the very thing!
Andrew runs across to his hatch and opens it, hauling out a heap of junk before collecting what looks like a crystal ball.
EVE: What is it?
ANDREW: A holiday ball. Like a Magic 8 Ball, only when you shake it, it gives you the perfect holiday destination. We just have to decide the sort of place we want to go to.
DAVE: You didn’t pay for that, did you?
ANDREW: Course not. I stole it. Now, where to?
EVE: Somewhere nice and quiet and peaceful - guaranteed.
DAVE: That rules out Bali, I suppose.
EVE: No strife, no murder, no mayhem.
ANDREW: California’s out too.
EVE: Skies of blue, miles of sand, good swimming.
ANDREW: And good fishing.
EVE: You’re crap at fishing!
ANDREW: So? If the fishing’s good, it won’t matter. So, we want a beautiful, peaceful tropical island with good fishing.
DAVE: Well, try it.
Andrew shakes the crystal ball and looks at the display.
EVE: What’s it say?
ANDREW: [SURPRISED] ‘Majorca’.
DAVE: That hardly fits the profile. Try again!
Andrew does so.
ANDREW: Beaches and fishing!
EVE: Well, what’s it say?
ANDREW: ‘Majorca’.
DAVE: OK, let’s try somewhere pleasant and cool... somewhere in New Zealand. Anywhere that fits the description in New Zealand, Mr Holiday Ball?
Andrew shakes the ball.
ANDREW: ‘Majorca’?
EVE: I’m starting to detect a pattern here. How about in Australia? Any good holiday spots in Australia?
ANDREW: ‘Majorca’.
DAVE: Where did you steal this from?
ANDREW: The Majorca Tourism Showroom. Why?
Dave sighs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
RUN CREDITS SEQUENCE
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. FERRY
A tight shot, with Dave, Andrew, Eve and Nigel sitting in a row of seats. They dressed for a holiday - Eve is in G-string bikini under a Hawiian shirt, Dave wears a baggy T-shirt and a canvas hat, Nigel is topless and Andrew is dressed normally. Their surroundings are not made clear, so they could be in a plane, train or even a bus. Nigel is reading a comic book, Eve is dozing, Dave is knitting and Andrew is boring them all.
ANDREW: [HAS CLEARLY BEEN TALKING FOR A LONG TIME] ...and it’s inevitable, it’s almost a rule. Tourism assists peace!
Dave finally looks up at him.
DAVE: You have got to be kidding me!
ANDREW: It does!
NIGEL: Andrew, did you miss the results of the up-close-tourism on the World Trade Centre?
ANDREW: Alright, tourism USUALLY assists peace. Think about it! What better way is there to cure racial prejudice than pack a bucket, spade and flip-flops and spend a fortnight visiting “foreigners” in their own lair?
DAVE: Yeah, that was the plot of Aliens wasn’t it?
NIGEL: Exactly. Just confirms all the nasty suspicions you have. Your trouble, Andrew, is that you’re naïve. You see the music clip for Golden Brown and instantly assume that everywhere apart from Australia is a beautiful, unspoiled virgin land with clear blue skies and inexpensive prostitutes. You’re deluded.
ANDREW: At least I’m not the one reading a comic book adaptation of Das Kapital...
NIGEL: I have layers.
ANDREW: ...Upside down.
NIGEL: Lots of layers.
He rotates his comic self-consciously.
DAVE: He’s right, Andrew... dear God, I just agreed with him... Anyway, just because we go somewhere knew doesn’t automatically mean we’ll enjoy it, will we? Nine times out of ten it might as well be Australia with slightly different scenery and much thicker accents.
ANDREW: But that’s precisely my point! Spend a few days in another country, you unwind and you realize how pleasant and agreeable the natives are. After a week there, bar the language barrier, it becomes obvious you’re pretty much the same as each other. Another week there and you don’t really want to go home!
NIGEL: Yet, somehow, we manage it.
ANDREW: And? When you get home, Nigel, what do you do? Spend winter pining over a collection of out of focus holiday snaps and saving to go back!
NIGEL: Not at all! My family never needs to “save up”.
DAVE: And its not gospel that we’ll go back to that exact place.
ANDREW: No, you’ll go somewhere even MORE foreign!
NIGEL: Next you’ll be saying travel broadens the mind.
ANDREW: It does. Only a fool would disagree.
NIGEL: It doesn’t!
ANDREW: I rest my case.
NIGEL: Oh yeah? Well, then, smart arse, how exactly does one develop major insights into another nation and culture when all we do there is lie on the beach and activate malananainan... er, the tanning stuff in our skin? It’s not easy, is it?
ANDREW: But simply BEING in a foreign land does develop empathy!
DAVE: Very slowly, though. Along with skin cancer.
ANDREW: It also whittles down to size national arrogance.
NIGEL: Ah, well I have no national arrogance at all. All places are alike to me. It’s only the bra sizes that vary... Speaking of which, do you think Eve would notice if I borrowed her bikini?
EVE: [EYES CLOSED] Yes she would.
NIGEL: Damn. It’s not for me, Eve, honestly!
ANDREW: What do you want it for?
NIGEL: [SHRUGS] As a gift to any sex goddesses I spot in this wild and foreign climate!
2. FERRY DOCK
We see a normal Australian ferry docking with the port at Manly Beach.
ANNOUNCER: This Water Cat service has arrived at Manly Beach. Will all passengers prepare to disembark!
3. FERRY
Still tight shot. Eve is waking up, the others getting ready to move.
EVE: At least it’s not Majorca.
DAVE: [SIGHS] Manly. Of all the places we could go... we have a millionairess as a patron! Why couldn’t we go to the Gold Coast at least?
NIGEL: [CONFUSED] You actually want to go to Queensland?
DAVE: Ah. Point taken.
ANNOUNCER: All passengers. Rack off. Now.
They rise and head for the exit. They are on the upper level on the ferry and are heading for the bridge that joins the dock to the ship.
ANDREW: Manly’s rather nice.
EVE: Oh, been here before?
ANDREW: Many times. I was severely concussed each time, though, crazed with inexplicable madness and determined to shove innocent gerbils off the top of local cliffs.
EVE: Right. Is it always this hot?
ANDREW: Yeah, pretty much.
4. DOCK
The gang make their way off the ferry, onto the upper level of the dock via the ramp, and then make their way down to the exit.
DAVE: Still, no matter where we’re going, a vacation is a vacation. And we haven’t had one for so long... [ANDREW COUGHS LOUDLY] Well, without teachers and a small security force present...
NIGEL: Of course, Manly was my first choice for holiday destination. Clean air, clean skies, even the rain tastes good - every turn on the empty two-lane roads presents us with a new, joyful sight. And the chocolate... dear Jesus... the chocolate tasted... [SHRUGS] I dunno, different.
Andrew, Dave and Eve are moving on down the ramp. The trio turn out of sight. Nigel stays where he is, staring through the windows at the vista outside, lost in his memories.
NIGEL: It was when I discovered that nudist beach at the cove, that I finally got it. I’d seen the smooth, serene shape of an Indonesian fertility goddess lying on the sand, calm, breathing... And something inside me had relaxed in way I’d never known before. And that’s why we had to come here! For that nudist beach! Yes, this time, this time I WILL get some putang! Definitely! Before the year is out!
Dave turns a corner and yells back to Nigel.
DAVE: Oi! You coming or what?
NIGEL: [EMBARRASSED] Yes, dear, coming.
He scampers after the others.
5. HIGH STREET
A wide street, lined with shops, leading from the shore with the Ferry Dock to the main attraction - the beach. It is crowded, but not excessively so, with most wearing beach attire. The gang approach the start of the street and begin to move up.
ANDREW: Have you ever seen such a sight?
NIGEL: Hah! Listen, mate, I’ve traveled every road in this entire land, cause...
Suitable music plays. Everyone bar Andrew is now singing Geoff Mack’s most popular song...
NIGEL: I’ve been everywhere man!
I’ve been everywhere man!
DAVE: Crossed the deserts bare, man?
EVE: Breathed the morning air, man?
NIGEL: [NODS] Of trouble I’ve had my share man
I’ve been everywhere man
I’ve been every where man
I’ve been every where man
I’ve been every where man!
I’ve been to -
ANDREW: [INTERRUPTS] Where?
He isn’t singing. Nigel stares at him, then continues singing.
NIGEL: I’ve been here, there
Everywhere
I’ve been everywhere!
He takes a deep breath. Andrew look on, arms folded.
ANDREW: Well. Go on. Sing the rest.
NIGEL: I’ve been to... to... [NORMAL] Oh, forget it. Let’s just go. Come on!
They hurry through the crowd. Andrew suddenly grins.
ANDREW: [SINGS] I’ve been to Tullamour, Seymour, Lismore, Mooloolaba, Nambour, Maroochydore, Kilmore, Murwillumbah...
6. HIGH STREET
We’re now at the other end. The gang stroll into view, Andrew singing all the while.
ANDREW: ...Birdsville, Emmaville, Wallaviller, Cunnamulla, Condamine, Stathpine, Proserpine, Ulladulla, Darwin, Gin Gin, Deniliquin, Mackadilla, Wallambilla, Boggabilla, Kumbarilla, I’m a killer...
NIGEL: I’ll be a killer too if you don’t shut up!
Andrew stops singing. For three seconds.
ANDREW: Moree, Taree, Jerilderie, Bambaroo, Toowoomba, Gunnedah, Caringbah, Wooloomooloo, Dalvine, Tamborine, Engadine, Jindabyne, Lithgow, Casino, Brigalow, Narromine, Megalong, Wyong, Tuggerawong, Wanganella, Morella, Augathella...
Nigel screams and bangs his fist against his forehead.
ANDREW: ...Brindabella, I’M THE FELLA!
NIGEL: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!?
DAVE: Guys, chill out. We’re on a holiday, can’t just get on?
EVE: That’s a rhetorical question, right?
ANDREW: Tell you what, Dave? Me and Nigel will get the newspaper and you can find someplace to set up camp. Maybe you can get some food while you’re at it?
EVE: We can just duck into the butchers and get some raw meat - in this temperature it’ll be cooked in no time.
ANDREW: Doubt it, Eve. I tried that once and discovered the joys of food poisoning.
DAVE: And he shared that discovery with the rest of us!
EVE: Oh-kay-doe-kay. Too much information. Let’s move.
They part company. Nigel watches Eve go with a wistful expression.
NIGEL: Typical. Spend ages trying to hang round with a blonde in a bikini and by the time I manage it... she’s become a person! Why couldn’t she still be an object?
ANDREW: Don’t worry, it’ll be nice and air conditioned in the newsagent - enough to cool your ardor, maybe.
NIGEL: Whatever! Why do we need to get the newspaper, anyway?
ANDREW: Dave’s into all the daily puzzles and number games.
NIGEL: Sad git. I can’t stand Sukozu, and neither can any normal, well-adjusted person.
ANDREW: You mean Sudoku - Sukozu’s the redhead from Farscape.
NIGEL: Oh yeah. Sex-say. I can seriously stand her.
They enter the newsagents.
7. NEWSAGENT
A large shop combining newsagent and post office. Several fans are blowing, and a couple of customers are hanging near the cold cabinets of drinks and ice creams. Nigel and Andrew enter.
NIGEL: Yes, it is cooler in here. Almost as cool as I am.
Andrew heads for the nearest bundle of newspapers.
ANDREW: [READS HEADLINE] “Harold Holt Missing”? This at least two days old! I bet the Archie comics are out of date as well!
NIGEL: You know, Andrew, this day marks a turning point in my life. A truly momentous occasion.
Nigel begins to stroll between the racks of magazines. Andrew follows, clearly more interested in the comics they pass.
ANDREW: Not much competition in your life so far.
NIGEL: This holiday isn’t just a week by the seaside, Andrew. This marks the beginning of my quest, my goal in life - a non-stop blistering sex rampage (perhaps even stampede!) that will be continued until I just don’t feel horny any more.
ANDREW: Sounds a wee bit hopeful.
NIGEL: Exactly. Win if I do, win if I don’t. I tell you, Andy, I’m not just going to have a girl in every town, I’m going to have EVERY girl in EVERY town in EVERY continent on this ENTIRE planet!
ANDREW: Better horny teens than you have tried.
NIGEL: Yes, I mean look at Alexander the Great. Conquered the whole world by the time he was 13 and then needed psychiatric counseling, the big poof. Now, me, even if I somehow finish screwing every woman on the planet, there’ll be a new generation just past the age of consent. I’m set for life!
ANDREW: Unless you catch a multitude of sexually-transmitted diseases and die before you leave the bordello.
NIGEL: [GRIMLY] Yes. There is that. And there’s the problem of protection... It’s not that I’m not happy to use it, but after a while the smell of burning rubber... You become allergic to it.
ANDREW: I suppose the fact we’re only here for six days and you haven’t managed a sexual encounter in the previous eighteen years won’t daunt your optimism.
NIGEL: That was different. I was saving myself up.
They begin to head for the exit.
ANDREW: For who? Rebecca McCarthy?
NIGEL: Yes... well, her and Bernice.
ANDREW: Yes. And now that the TV star has put a restraining order on you and your SISTER is married I suppose you’re at a bit of a loose end. Still won’t work.
NIGEL: Don’t be too sure. Don’t be too sure. I chose Manly for a reason – there’s a nudist beach over the hill that redefines the word “shagathon”.
ANDREW: You’ll never be able to sleep with the entire female population of Manly in a week, even if they were willing - which they’re not. It’s physically and mathematically impossible.
NIGEL: Hmm. Suppose so. Still, I’m sure I’ll get a pub named after me before we head back home...
8. THE BEACH
Dave and Eve are sitting on a towel. The beach is pleasantly crowded. Dave is rubbing sunblock into his arms.
DAVE: It’s nonsense when you think about it.
EVE: What is?
DAVE: This! Holidaying! Swimming and sunbathing.
EVE: What’s so wrong with that?
DAVE: I mean, if you want a long bath in cold sodium chloride solution then wallow about of bed of mica crystals whistle undergoing severe exposure to hard ultra-violent bombardment... We could just add salt to cold showers and then sit in front of an open microwave...
EVE: Don’t you know how to enjoy yourself?
DAVE: Never had a chance to find out.
EVE: Look, just relax. There’s nothing to worry about.
DAVE: No, there are no distractions. That’s different. Any minute my brain is gonna remind me what a waste of time and effort my life has been and how I deserve what horrors await me... My brain hates me. Did I mention that?
EVE: Lighten up. Look, just for today the brain can take a day off. Mine does! Today, it doesn’t matter you wasted your time at school when you should have been working hard to get some kind of career that doesn’t bore you stupid and leave you co-habiting with two nutters you left high school specifically to avoid...
Dave begins to sob. Loudly.
EVE: Aw. That’s it. Let it out.
Andrew and Nigel approach.
NIGEL: Trying to get sexual favors with sympathy, Dave?
DAVE: [SHOCKED] NO!
NIGEL: Oh. Pity. Brilliant plan, though, I must try it some time.
EVE: Dave needs to learn how to relax and have fun.
ANDREW: Oh, that’s easy then. All we’ve got to do is just redefine what he thinks of as ‘tension’, and then he’ll find this holiday bliss personified.
DAVE: How do we do that?
Dissolve to:
9. BEACH (FIVE MINUTES LATER)
Tight shot on Dave’s face.
DAVE: OK, point taken.
We pull out. He has been buried in the sand. Only his head is visible. Andrew and Nigel are patting down the sand with plastic spades.
DAVE: Yup. I’m cool. Dig us out, will you?
ANDREW: I think you ought to stay down there for an hour. Get some time for your brain to think about what its done to you.
DAVE: I think it’s had enough already.
ANDREW: We can’t take the risk, Dave.
DAVE: Oh, this is stupid. Tell him, Nigel. Nigel?
Nigel looks across the beach and sees... a beautiful blonde life saver sitting in the chair, staring out to see through some binoculars. Ludicrous, overblown close ups cut between her and Nigel - her sexy, he lustful. Porn music plays before suddenly cutting out.
NIGEL: Her. She will be the first. I have got to have her.
ANDREW: [CONFUSED] Who?
NIGEL: Her. My first Manly conquest. [SLYLY] Only not so manly, if you get my drift.
Andrew follows his gaze. We see the life saver in a normal way.
ANDREW: Not a chance.
They begin to walk down the beach in her direction.
DAVE: Hey! Andrew! Come back! Nige! Hello!
Andrew and Nigel ignore him.
NIGEL: Not a chance or not a chance in hell?
ANDREW: Neither. Not even purgatory.
NIGEL: You forget. She’s a life saver. Easiest chicks on Earth.
ANDREW: Why is it that your “easiest chicks on Earth” so often tend to beat you up and place apprehended violence orders on your person?
NIGEL: Andy, she’s a life saver! If I’m in trouble, she’ll have to dive into the surf and save me! And if I’ve drowned... we’re talking mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and resurrection. If you get my drift.
DAVE: ANDREW! I CAN’T MOVE! LET ME OUT!!!
ANDREW: Nigel, look beyond the trigonometrically-unlikely-cleavage. She is a trained life saving professional. And with a body like that she’s probably dealt with fake drownings before. Your little charade won’t fool her.
NIGEL: What do you mean, little?
ANDREW: What’s your plan, then? Lie face down in the sand and flapping your arms like a fish? She won’t move a muscle.
NIGEL: You don’t KNOW that!
10. THE BEACH (A FEW MINUTES LATER)
Nigel is lying face down in the sand, as if washed up in the sand. He is flapping his arms like a stranded fish. Andrew stands nearby, arms folded, staring down at Nigel with a bored expression. The life saver looks in their direction, but doesn’t look twice. Nigel continues flailing. Andrew turns and walks off.
11. THE BEACH (A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER)
Dave is still struggling to escape from being buried in the sand. Nigel walks past him.
DAVE: Oh, Nige, do us a favor will you? Nige? Nige?
He continues to call out over the background of the scene. Nigel crosses over to Andrew and snatches a towel to dry his hair.
NIGEL: OK, Andy, plan B. We go for verisimilitude.
ANDREW: You actually want to drown?
NIGEL: Yup. Not the whole way, of course, but just enough to require mouth-to-mouth.
ANDREW: And what if she decides to let you die?
NIGEL: Why would she do a thing like that?
ANDREW: That’s a long list. How about ‘Why WOULDN’T she do a thing like that?’ That’s a much shorter one.
NIGEL: She’s a life saver. She gets paid to do that sort of thing.
ANDREW: OK, point taken - but even if it works, it’ll be all you get. A stolen kiss.
NIGEL: Au contraire, Andrew. After her sweet lips brush mine... Oh, the endless possibilities!
ANDREW: You have terminal leprosy of the soul, you do know that?
NIGEL: Mouth closed, Andrew... This is the plan!
Cut to:
12. THE BEACH (NOT LONG AFTER)
Andrew and Nigel are standing waist-deep in the water.
NIGEL: Now, remember, the next big wave, YOU push me over and when the wave is gone, I float to the surface and you start calling for help. She comes over, gives me the kiss of life, I kiss her back, do the nasty and then check out her female relatives and friends and so on and so on.
ANDREW: I don’t think it will work.
NIGEL: Don’t be ridiculous. What’s wrong with the plan?
ANDREW: [SHRUGS] It lacks a certain... style.
NIGEL: What do you suggest then, you ugly waste of DNA?
ANDREW: Oh, something like this.
He grabs the back of Nigel’s neck and forces him face down into the water. We see Nigel’s panicked, submerged face, bubbles streaming from his mouth. Andrew rips Nigel’s head from the water.
ANDREW: [BRIGHTLY] I think it works. How about you?
Without waiting for a reply, he dunks Nigel again. Nigel’s arms flap above water. Eve approaches, wading towards them.
EVE: What are you up to?
ANDREW: Oh, just playing Cupid.
EVE: Playing Cupid?
Nigel briefly emerges from the water.
NIGEL: [GASPS] Eve, you gotta stop...
Andrew shoves him under the water again.
EVE: Looks fun. Can I have a go?
ANDREW: Sure.
He rips Nigel from the water. He sucks in a moaned breath, and Eve grabs his neck and dunks him for a third time. Another underwater shot of Nigel running out of oxygen.
EVE: So, how does this work?
ANDREW: You keep him under until he stops convulsing, hand him over to the trained professionals and let love take its course.
Nigel breaks the surface. He spits out a mouth full of water.
NIGEL: For pity’s sake!!
ANDREW: Ooh, he’s getting frisky!
Andrew helps Eve force his face under water.
EVE: Isn’t this a bit bad for him?
ANDREW: Gotta let them make their own mistakes, Evelyn, otherwise they just never learn...
Nigel stops jerking and slumps still.
ANDREW: That’s it, very convincing!
He and Eve let go of Nigel. He floats silently.
ANDREW: Right, where’s the life saver?
EVE: Oh, which one?
ANDREW: The one that looks like Pamela Anderson stung by a bee.
EVE: Oh, HER. She’s just in the toilet.
ANDREW: Damn. We’ll have to wait for a while, Nigel. Nigel?
Nigel doesn’t move.
ANDREW: Ah, Stanislavski approach, huh? I’m impressed, Nigel, I really am. Very convincing.
A long pause.
EVE: We’re in deep trouble, aren’t we?
ANDREW: I don’t want to be pessimistic, but hell yeah.
He lifts Nigel’s upper half out of the water.
ANDREW: Unfortunately, I was hung over during CPR classes, Eve, so we’re going to have to improvise this. Now... You repeatedly strike the area around his lungs, and snog him. Try and exhale while you do it. Should get his lungs going again... if not other parts of his body.
EVE: If you think that’ll help...
She beats his chest and kisses him passionately. No change.
ANDREW: Ironic this’d only happen AFTER he’s dead... Try alternating punches and kisses!
Eve shrugs and blows in his cheeks, then thumps his chest. Nigel coughs up water all over Eve, who recoils as does Andrew. Nigel plunges into the water but is conscious enough to stagger to his feet. The life saver wanders past. Andrew waves cheerily.
ANDREW: Don’t worry, it’s sorted!
The life saver waves back and wanders off.
NIGEL: [VERY WEAK] Did it... work?
ANDREW: Would it scar you psychologically for life if I said ‘No’?
NIGEL: Maybe.
A pause.
ANDREW: Of course it worked, Nigel, how could you possibly think it wouldn’t? [HASTILY] Come on, Eve, let’s get a hot dog!
He and Eve walk onto the shore. They pass Dave in the sand.
DAVE: Uh, guys...?
A group of five-year-old children wander into the view.
DAVE: Er, hey! Over here, little dudes! [WHISTLES] Over here!
The kids approach cautiously.
DAVE: Look, dig me out would yer?
The kids place a bucket over his head and start to kick it and whack it with a spade. Dave cries out in pain. Eve and Andrew are at the hot dog stand, in a queue.
ANDREW: Dave sounds like he’s making new friends.
EVE: Sounds like he’s being attacked by a group of vicious gang of five year olds to me.
ANDREW: So? Most of my best friends started out trying to kill me.
The kids remove the bucket and start kicking sand into Dave’s face, then kick his head.
DAVE: Argh! Not the eyes! NOT THE EYES!
Out in the surf, the dazed Nigel is taken by surprise as a wave crashes down on him, smashing him out of sight. We see bubbles streaming from his mouth underwater, fading into blackness...
13. THE BEACH (A FEW MINUTES LATER)
Blackness, fading up to show Nigel sprawled on the surf. Hands are pressing against his chest. A mouth presses against his. Nigel coughs and splutters, alive again. A blurry, blonde shape hangs before his eyes, sharpening into focus.
NIGEL: [CROAKS] Did it work?
The face is that of a life saver. A male one.
LIFE SAVER: [DEEP, MACHO VOICE] You’re alive, aren’t you?
Nigel screams in horror. He pushes the life saver away and runs off down the beach. Waving his hands, he continues to scream as he passes Dave, who is still buried in the sand.
DAVE: Hey, Nige! Come back! Come back!
A seagull lands on his head and starts to peck him.
DAVE: Argh! Get off! Get off you little bastard! Damn you! God damn you all the way to hell forever!! Argh!
We zoom in on Dave’s screaming mouth.
to be continued...
EPISODE ELEVEN: A Holiday Is As Good As A Change - Part I
by EWEN CAMPION-CLARKE
and DAMIAN SANCHEZ
1. LIVING ROOM
We see a banner proclaiming MERRY CHRISTMAS! before it is suddenly and unceremoniously ripped down. Eve stands on a stepladder, handing to Andrew, who crumples it up and stuffs it into a recycling wheelie bin. Dave is shoving wrapping paper into a bin bag.
EVE: This is stupid! We just put this stuff up!
DAVE: And now we’re taking them down again. Think of it as the circle of life. This is recycled into more decorations and sold back to us at profit in under twelve months time.
EVE: That’s even MORE stupid!
DAVE: Welcome to my world. Sides, we can’t risk it on him.
We pull out to see Nigel (wearing a straightjacket), is tied to a chair in the corner, struggling to get free.
NIGEL: That is a foul slur! I’m in full control of my faculties.
He starts making clucking noises. His chair falls over.
EVE: OK then, what do we do now that Christmas is over?
ANDREW: Well, traditionally we spend the next week trying to finish off the excesses of food and alcohol poisoning before beginning a fresh batch as the year ends.
DAVE: Still, that’s not a problem, is it Andrew?
ANDREW: Hey, you said you were responsible for the leftovers.
DAVE: No, I said “I WOULDN’T be responsible for the leftovers”.
EVE: Well, you kept your word. And, excuse me, why was I the one who had to deal with what was left of the Turkey?
ANDREW: I was unconscious, Nigel was sedated and Dave was hungover.
NIGEL: Yeah, you got the easy job.
EVE: Easy? Getting up first thing in the morning to discover a maggot colony where breakfast was supposed to be is EASY?!
DAVE: You had control of your legs. Was easier than if we’d tried it. So, where were we? Yeah, let’s round off the year with a holiday!
ANDREW: Yes! And I have the very thing!
Andrew runs across to his hatch and opens it, hauling out a heap of junk before collecting what looks like a crystal ball.
EVE: What is it?
ANDREW: A holiday ball. Like a Magic 8 Ball, only when you shake it, it gives you the perfect holiday destination. We just have to decide the sort of place we want to go to.
DAVE: You didn’t pay for that, did you?
ANDREW: Course not. I stole it. Now, where to?
EVE: Somewhere nice and quiet and peaceful - guaranteed.
DAVE: That rules out Bali, I suppose.
EVE: No strife, no murder, no mayhem.
ANDREW: California’s out too.
EVE: Skies of blue, miles of sand, good swimming.
ANDREW: And good fishing.
EVE: You’re crap at fishing!
ANDREW: So? If the fishing’s good, it won’t matter. So, we want a beautiful, peaceful tropical island with good fishing.
DAVE: Well, try it.
Andrew shakes the crystal ball and looks at the display.
EVE: What’s it say?
ANDREW: [SURPRISED] ‘Majorca’.
DAVE: That hardly fits the profile. Try again!
Andrew does so.
ANDREW: Beaches and fishing!
EVE: Well, what’s it say?
ANDREW: ‘Majorca’.
DAVE: OK, let’s try somewhere pleasant and cool... somewhere in New Zealand. Anywhere that fits the description in New Zealand, Mr Holiday Ball?
Andrew shakes the ball.
ANDREW: ‘Majorca’?
EVE: I’m starting to detect a pattern here. How about in Australia? Any good holiday spots in Australia?
ANDREW: ‘Majorca’.
DAVE: Where did you steal this from?
ANDREW: The Majorca Tourism Showroom. Why?
Dave sighs.
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RUN CREDITS SEQUENCE
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1. FERRY
A tight shot, with Dave, Andrew, Eve and Nigel sitting in a row of seats. They dressed for a holiday - Eve is in G-string bikini under a Hawiian shirt, Dave wears a baggy T-shirt and a canvas hat, Nigel is topless and Andrew is dressed normally. Their surroundings are not made clear, so they could be in a plane, train or even a bus. Nigel is reading a comic book, Eve is dozing, Dave is knitting and Andrew is boring them all.
ANDREW: [HAS CLEARLY BEEN TALKING FOR A LONG TIME] ...and it’s inevitable, it’s almost a rule. Tourism assists peace!
Dave finally looks up at him.
DAVE: You have got to be kidding me!
ANDREW: It does!
NIGEL: Andrew, did you miss the results of the up-close-tourism on the World Trade Centre?
ANDREW: Alright, tourism USUALLY assists peace. Think about it! What better way is there to cure racial prejudice than pack a bucket, spade and flip-flops and spend a fortnight visiting “foreigners” in their own lair?
DAVE: Yeah, that was the plot of Aliens wasn’t it?
NIGEL: Exactly. Just confirms all the nasty suspicions you have. Your trouble, Andrew, is that you’re naïve. You see the music clip for Golden Brown and instantly assume that everywhere apart from Australia is a beautiful, unspoiled virgin land with clear blue skies and inexpensive prostitutes. You’re deluded.
ANDREW: At least I’m not the one reading a comic book adaptation of Das Kapital...
NIGEL: I have layers.
ANDREW: ...Upside down.
NIGEL: Lots of layers.
He rotates his comic self-consciously.
DAVE: He’s right, Andrew... dear God, I just agreed with him... Anyway, just because we go somewhere knew doesn’t automatically mean we’ll enjoy it, will we? Nine times out of ten it might as well be Australia with slightly different scenery and much thicker accents.
ANDREW: But that’s precisely my point! Spend a few days in another country, you unwind and you realize how pleasant and agreeable the natives are. After a week there, bar the language barrier, it becomes obvious you’re pretty much the same as each other. Another week there and you don’t really want to go home!
NIGEL: Yet, somehow, we manage it.
ANDREW: And? When you get home, Nigel, what do you do? Spend winter pining over a collection of out of focus holiday snaps and saving to go back!
NIGEL: Not at all! My family never needs to “save up”.
DAVE: And its not gospel that we’ll go back to that exact place.
ANDREW: No, you’ll go somewhere even MORE foreign!
NIGEL: Next you’ll be saying travel broadens the mind.
ANDREW: It does. Only a fool would disagree.
NIGEL: It doesn’t!
ANDREW: I rest my case.
NIGEL: Oh yeah? Well, then, smart arse, how exactly does one develop major insights into another nation and culture when all we do there is lie on the beach and activate malananainan... er, the tanning stuff in our skin? It’s not easy, is it?
ANDREW: But simply BEING in a foreign land does develop empathy!
DAVE: Very slowly, though. Along with skin cancer.
ANDREW: It also whittles down to size national arrogance.
NIGEL: Ah, well I have no national arrogance at all. All places are alike to me. It’s only the bra sizes that vary... Speaking of which, do you think Eve would notice if I borrowed her bikini?
EVE: [EYES CLOSED] Yes she would.
NIGEL: Damn. It’s not for me, Eve, honestly!
ANDREW: What do you want it for?
NIGEL: [SHRUGS] As a gift to any sex goddesses I spot in this wild and foreign climate!
2. FERRY DOCK
We see a normal Australian ferry docking with the port at Manly Beach.
ANNOUNCER: This Water Cat service has arrived at Manly Beach. Will all passengers prepare to disembark!
3. FERRY
Still tight shot. Eve is waking up, the others getting ready to move.
EVE: At least it’s not Majorca.
DAVE: [SIGHS] Manly. Of all the places we could go... we have a millionairess as a patron! Why couldn’t we go to the Gold Coast at least?
NIGEL: [CONFUSED] You actually want to go to Queensland?
DAVE: Ah. Point taken.
ANNOUNCER: All passengers. Rack off. Now.
They rise and head for the exit. They are on the upper level on the ferry and are heading for the bridge that joins the dock to the ship.
ANDREW: Manly’s rather nice.
EVE: Oh, been here before?
ANDREW: Many times. I was severely concussed each time, though, crazed with inexplicable madness and determined to shove innocent gerbils off the top of local cliffs.
EVE: Right. Is it always this hot?
ANDREW: Yeah, pretty much.
4. DOCK
The gang make their way off the ferry, onto the upper level of the dock via the ramp, and then make their way down to the exit.
DAVE: Still, no matter where we’re going, a vacation is a vacation. And we haven’t had one for so long... [ANDREW COUGHS LOUDLY] Well, without teachers and a small security force present...
NIGEL: Of course, Manly was my first choice for holiday destination. Clean air, clean skies, even the rain tastes good - every turn on the empty two-lane roads presents us with a new, joyful sight. And the chocolate... dear Jesus... the chocolate tasted... [SHRUGS] I dunno, different.
Andrew, Dave and Eve are moving on down the ramp. The trio turn out of sight. Nigel stays where he is, staring through the windows at the vista outside, lost in his memories.
NIGEL: It was when I discovered that nudist beach at the cove, that I finally got it. I’d seen the smooth, serene shape of an Indonesian fertility goddess lying on the sand, calm, breathing... And something inside me had relaxed in way I’d never known before. And that’s why we had to come here! For that nudist beach! Yes, this time, this time I WILL get some putang! Definitely! Before the year is out!
Dave turns a corner and yells back to Nigel.
DAVE: Oi! You coming or what?
NIGEL: [EMBARRASSED] Yes, dear, coming.
He scampers after the others.
5. HIGH STREET
A wide street, lined with shops, leading from the shore with the Ferry Dock to the main attraction - the beach. It is crowded, but not excessively so, with most wearing beach attire. The gang approach the start of the street and begin to move up.
ANDREW: Have you ever seen such a sight?
NIGEL: Hah! Listen, mate, I’ve traveled every road in this entire land, cause...
Suitable music plays. Everyone bar Andrew is now singing Geoff Mack’s most popular song...
NIGEL: I’ve been everywhere man!
I’ve been everywhere man!
DAVE: Crossed the deserts bare, man?
EVE: Breathed the morning air, man?
NIGEL: [NODS] Of trouble I’ve had my share man
I’ve been everywhere man
I’ve been every where man
I’ve been every where man
I’ve been every where man!
I’ve been to -
ANDREW: [INTERRUPTS] Where?
He isn’t singing. Nigel stares at him, then continues singing.
NIGEL: I’ve been here, there
Everywhere
I’ve been everywhere!
He takes a deep breath. Andrew look on, arms folded.
ANDREW: Well. Go on. Sing the rest.
NIGEL: I’ve been to... to... [NORMAL] Oh, forget it. Let’s just go. Come on!
They hurry through the crowd. Andrew suddenly grins.
ANDREW: [SINGS] I’ve been to Tullamour, Seymour, Lismore, Mooloolaba, Nambour, Maroochydore, Kilmore, Murwillumbah...
6. HIGH STREET
We’re now at the other end. The gang stroll into view, Andrew singing all the while.
ANDREW: ...Birdsville, Emmaville, Wallaviller, Cunnamulla, Condamine, Stathpine, Proserpine, Ulladulla, Darwin, Gin Gin, Deniliquin, Mackadilla, Wallambilla, Boggabilla, Kumbarilla, I’m a killer...
NIGEL: I’ll be a killer too if you don’t shut up!
Andrew stops singing. For three seconds.
ANDREW: Moree, Taree, Jerilderie, Bambaroo, Toowoomba, Gunnedah, Caringbah, Wooloomooloo, Dalvine, Tamborine, Engadine, Jindabyne, Lithgow, Casino, Brigalow, Narromine, Megalong, Wyong, Tuggerawong, Wanganella, Morella, Augathella...
Nigel screams and bangs his fist against his forehead.
ANDREW: ...Brindabella, I’M THE FELLA!
NIGEL: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?!?
DAVE: Guys, chill out. We’re on a holiday, can’t just get on?
EVE: That’s a rhetorical question, right?
ANDREW: Tell you what, Dave? Me and Nigel will get the newspaper and you can find someplace to set up camp. Maybe you can get some food while you’re at it?
EVE: We can just duck into the butchers and get some raw meat - in this temperature it’ll be cooked in no time.
ANDREW: Doubt it, Eve. I tried that once and discovered the joys of food poisoning.
DAVE: And he shared that discovery with the rest of us!
EVE: Oh-kay-doe-kay. Too much information. Let’s move.
They part company. Nigel watches Eve go with a wistful expression.
NIGEL: Typical. Spend ages trying to hang round with a blonde in a bikini and by the time I manage it... she’s become a person! Why couldn’t she still be an object?
ANDREW: Don’t worry, it’ll be nice and air conditioned in the newsagent - enough to cool your ardor, maybe.
NIGEL: Whatever! Why do we need to get the newspaper, anyway?
ANDREW: Dave’s into all the daily puzzles and number games.
NIGEL: Sad git. I can’t stand Sukozu, and neither can any normal, well-adjusted person.
ANDREW: You mean Sudoku - Sukozu’s the redhead from Farscape.
NIGEL: Oh yeah. Sex-say. I can seriously stand her.
They enter the newsagents.
7. NEWSAGENT
A large shop combining newsagent and post office. Several fans are blowing, and a couple of customers are hanging near the cold cabinets of drinks and ice creams. Nigel and Andrew enter.
NIGEL: Yes, it is cooler in here. Almost as cool as I am.
Andrew heads for the nearest bundle of newspapers.
ANDREW: [READS HEADLINE] “Harold Holt Missing”? This at least two days old! I bet the Archie comics are out of date as well!
NIGEL: You know, Andrew, this day marks a turning point in my life. A truly momentous occasion.
Nigel begins to stroll between the racks of magazines. Andrew follows, clearly more interested in the comics they pass.
ANDREW: Not much competition in your life so far.
NIGEL: This holiday isn’t just a week by the seaside, Andrew. This marks the beginning of my quest, my goal in life - a non-stop blistering sex rampage (perhaps even stampede!) that will be continued until I just don’t feel horny any more.
ANDREW: Sounds a wee bit hopeful.
NIGEL: Exactly. Win if I do, win if I don’t. I tell you, Andy, I’m not just going to have a girl in every town, I’m going to have EVERY girl in EVERY town in EVERY continent on this ENTIRE planet!
ANDREW: Better horny teens than you have tried.
NIGEL: Yes, I mean look at Alexander the Great. Conquered the whole world by the time he was 13 and then needed psychiatric counseling, the big poof. Now, me, even if I somehow finish screwing every woman on the planet, there’ll be a new generation just past the age of consent. I’m set for life!
ANDREW: Unless you catch a multitude of sexually-transmitted diseases and die before you leave the bordello.
NIGEL: [GRIMLY] Yes. There is that. And there’s the problem of protection... It’s not that I’m not happy to use it, but after a while the smell of burning rubber... You become allergic to it.
ANDREW: I suppose the fact we’re only here for six days and you haven’t managed a sexual encounter in the previous eighteen years won’t daunt your optimism.
NIGEL: That was different. I was saving myself up.
They begin to head for the exit.
ANDREW: For who? Rebecca McCarthy?
NIGEL: Yes... well, her and Bernice.
ANDREW: Yes. And now that the TV star has put a restraining order on you and your SISTER is married I suppose you’re at a bit of a loose end. Still won’t work.
NIGEL: Don’t be too sure. Don’t be too sure. I chose Manly for a reason – there’s a nudist beach over the hill that redefines the word “shagathon”.
ANDREW: You’ll never be able to sleep with the entire female population of Manly in a week, even if they were willing - which they’re not. It’s physically and mathematically impossible.
NIGEL: Hmm. Suppose so. Still, I’m sure I’ll get a pub named after me before we head back home...
8. THE BEACH
Dave and Eve are sitting on a towel. The beach is pleasantly crowded. Dave is rubbing sunblock into his arms.
DAVE: It’s nonsense when you think about it.
EVE: What is?
DAVE: This! Holidaying! Swimming and sunbathing.
EVE: What’s so wrong with that?
DAVE: I mean, if you want a long bath in cold sodium chloride solution then wallow about of bed of mica crystals whistle undergoing severe exposure to hard ultra-violent bombardment... We could just add salt to cold showers and then sit in front of an open microwave...
EVE: Don’t you know how to enjoy yourself?
DAVE: Never had a chance to find out.
EVE: Look, just relax. There’s nothing to worry about.
DAVE: No, there are no distractions. That’s different. Any minute my brain is gonna remind me what a waste of time and effort my life has been and how I deserve what horrors await me... My brain hates me. Did I mention that?
EVE: Lighten up. Look, just for today the brain can take a day off. Mine does! Today, it doesn’t matter you wasted your time at school when you should have been working hard to get some kind of career that doesn’t bore you stupid and leave you co-habiting with two nutters you left high school specifically to avoid...
Dave begins to sob. Loudly.
EVE: Aw. That’s it. Let it out.
Andrew and Nigel approach.
NIGEL: Trying to get sexual favors with sympathy, Dave?
DAVE: [SHOCKED] NO!
NIGEL: Oh. Pity. Brilliant plan, though, I must try it some time.
EVE: Dave needs to learn how to relax and have fun.
ANDREW: Oh, that’s easy then. All we’ve got to do is just redefine what he thinks of as ‘tension’, and then he’ll find this holiday bliss personified.
DAVE: How do we do that?
Dissolve to:
9. BEACH (FIVE MINUTES LATER)
Tight shot on Dave’s face.
DAVE: OK, point taken.
We pull out. He has been buried in the sand. Only his head is visible. Andrew and Nigel are patting down the sand with plastic spades.
DAVE: Yup. I’m cool. Dig us out, will you?
ANDREW: I think you ought to stay down there for an hour. Get some time for your brain to think about what its done to you.
DAVE: I think it’s had enough already.
ANDREW: We can’t take the risk, Dave.
DAVE: Oh, this is stupid. Tell him, Nigel. Nigel?
Nigel looks across the beach and sees... a beautiful blonde life saver sitting in the chair, staring out to see through some binoculars. Ludicrous, overblown close ups cut between her and Nigel - her sexy, he lustful. Porn music plays before suddenly cutting out.
NIGEL: Her. She will be the first. I have got to have her.
ANDREW: [CONFUSED] Who?
NIGEL: Her. My first Manly conquest. [SLYLY] Only not so manly, if you get my drift.
Andrew follows his gaze. We see the life saver in a normal way.
ANDREW: Not a chance.
They begin to walk down the beach in her direction.
DAVE: Hey! Andrew! Come back! Nige! Hello!
Andrew and Nigel ignore him.
NIGEL: Not a chance or not a chance in hell?
ANDREW: Neither. Not even purgatory.
NIGEL: You forget. She’s a life saver. Easiest chicks on Earth.
ANDREW: Why is it that your “easiest chicks on Earth” so often tend to beat you up and place apprehended violence orders on your person?
NIGEL: Andy, she’s a life saver! If I’m in trouble, she’ll have to dive into the surf and save me! And if I’ve drowned... we’re talking mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and resurrection. If you get my drift.
DAVE: ANDREW! I CAN’T MOVE! LET ME OUT!!!
ANDREW: Nigel, look beyond the trigonometrically-unlikely-cleavage. She is a trained life saving professional. And with a body like that she’s probably dealt with fake drownings before. Your little charade won’t fool her.
NIGEL: What do you mean, little?
ANDREW: What’s your plan, then? Lie face down in the sand and flapping your arms like a fish? She won’t move a muscle.
NIGEL: You don’t KNOW that!
10. THE BEACH (A FEW MINUTES LATER)
Nigel is lying face down in the sand, as if washed up in the sand. He is flapping his arms like a stranded fish. Andrew stands nearby, arms folded, staring down at Nigel with a bored expression. The life saver looks in their direction, but doesn’t look twice. Nigel continues flailing. Andrew turns and walks off.
11. THE BEACH (A FEW MORE MINUTES LATER)
Dave is still struggling to escape from being buried in the sand. Nigel walks past him.
DAVE: Oh, Nige, do us a favor will you? Nige? Nige?
He continues to call out over the background of the scene. Nigel crosses over to Andrew and snatches a towel to dry his hair.
NIGEL: OK, Andy, plan B. We go for verisimilitude.
ANDREW: You actually want to drown?
NIGEL: Yup. Not the whole way, of course, but just enough to require mouth-to-mouth.
ANDREW: And what if she decides to let you die?
NIGEL: Why would she do a thing like that?
ANDREW: That’s a long list. How about ‘Why WOULDN’T she do a thing like that?’ That’s a much shorter one.
NIGEL: She’s a life saver. She gets paid to do that sort of thing.
ANDREW: OK, point taken - but even if it works, it’ll be all you get. A stolen kiss.
NIGEL: Au contraire, Andrew. After her sweet lips brush mine... Oh, the endless possibilities!
ANDREW: You have terminal leprosy of the soul, you do know that?
NIGEL: Mouth closed, Andrew... This is the plan!
Cut to:
12. THE BEACH (NOT LONG AFTER)
Andrew and Nigel are standing waist-deep in the water.
NIGEL: Now, remember, the next big wave, YOU push me over and when the wave is gone, I float to the surface and you start calling for help. She comes over, gives me the kiss of life, I kiss her back, do the nasty and then check out her female relatives and friends and so on and so on.
ANDREW: I don’t think it will work.
NIGEL: Don’t be ridiculous. What’s wrong with the plan?
ANDREW: [SHRUGS] It lacks a certain... style.
NIGEL: What do you suggest then, you ugly waste of DNA?
ANDREW: Oh, something like this.
He grabs the back of Nigel’s neck and forces him face down into the water. We see Nigel’s panicked, submerged face, bubbles streaming from his mouth. Andrew rips Nigel’s head from the water.
ANDREW: [BRIGHTLY] I think it works. How about you?
Without waiting for a reply, he dunks Nigel again. Nigel’s arms flap above water. Eve approaches, wading towards them.
EVE: What are you up to?
ANDREW: Oh, just playing Cupid.
EVE: Playing Cupid?
Nigel briefly emerges from the water.
NIGEL: [GASPS] Eve, you gotta stop...
Andrew shoves him under the water again.
EVE: Looks fun. Can I have a go?
ANDREW: Sure.
He rips Nigel from the water. He sucks in a moaned breath, and Eve grabs his neck and dunks him for a third time. Another underwater shot of Nigel running out of oxygen.
EVE: So, how does this work?
ANDREW: You keep him under until he stops convulsing, hand him over to the trained professionals and let love take its course.
Nigel breaks the surface. He spits out a mouth full of water.
NIGEL: For pity’s sake!!
ANDREW: Ooh, he’s getting frisky!
Andrew helps Eve force his face under water.
EVE: Isn’t this a bit bad for him?
ANDREW: Gotta let them make their own mistakes, Evelyn, otherwise they just never learn...
Nigel stops jerking and slumps still.
ANDREW: That’s it, very convincing!
He and Eve let go of Nigel. He floats silently.
ANDREW: Right, where’s the life saver?
EVE: Oh, which one?
ANDREW: The one that looks like Pamela Anderson stung by a bee.
EVE: Oh, HER. She’s just in the toilet.
ANDREW: Damn. We’ll have to wait for a while, Nigel. Nigel?
Nigel doesn’t move.
ANDREW: Ah, Stanislavski approach, huh? I’m impressed, Nigel, I really am. Very convincing.
A long pause.
EVE: We’re in deep trouble, aren’t we?
ANDREW: I don’t want to be pessimistic, but hell yeah.
He lifts Nigel’s upper half out of the water.
ANDREW: Unfortunately, I was hung over during CPR classes, Eve, so we’re going to have to improvise this. Now... You repeatedly strike the area around his lungs, and snog him. Try and exhale while you do it. Should get his lungs going again... if not other parts of his body.
EVE: If you think that’ll help...
She beats his chest and kisses him passionately. No change.
ANDREW: Ironic this’d only happen AFTER he’s dead... Try alternating punches and kisses!
Eve shrugs and blows in his cheeks, then thumps his chest. Nigel coughs up water all over Eve, who recoils as does Andrew. Nigel plunges into the water but is conscious enough to stagger to his feet. The life saver wanders past. Andrew waves cheerily.
ANDREW: Don’t worry, it’s sorted!
The life saver waves back and wanders off.
NIGEL: [VERY WEAK] Did it... work?
ANDREW: Would it scar you psychologically for life if I said ‘No’?
NIGEL: Maybe.
A pause.
ANDREW: Of course it worked, Nigel, how could you possibly think it wouldn’t? [HASTILY] Come on, Eve, let’s get a hot dog!
He and Eve walk onto the shore. They pass Dave in the sand.
DAVE: Uh, guys...?
A group of five-year-old children wander into the view.
DAVE: Er, hey! Over here, little dudes! [WHISTLES] Over here!
The kids approach cautiously.
DAVE: Look, dig me out would yer?
The kids place a bucket over his head and start to kick it and whack it with a spade. Dave cries out in pain. Eve and Andrew are at the hot dog stand, in a queue.
ANDREW: Dave sounds like he’s making new friends.
EVE: Sounds like he’s being attacked by a group of vicious gang of five year olds to me.
ANDREW: So? Most of my best friends started out trying to kill me.
The kids remove the bucket and start kicking sand into Dave’s face, then kick his head.
DAVE: Argh! Not the eyes! NOT THE EYES!
Out in the surf, the dazed Nigel is taken by surprise as a wave crashes down on him, smashing him out of sight. We see bubbles streaming from his mouth underwater, fading into blackness...
13. THE BEACH (A FEW MINUTES LATER)
Blackness, fading up to show Nigel sprawled on the surf. Hands are pressing against his chest. A mouth presses against his. Nigel coughs and splutters, alive again. A blurry, blonde shape hangs before his eyes, sharpening into focus.
NIGEL: [CROAKS] Did it work?
The face is that of a life saver. A male one.
LIFE SAVER: [DEEP, MACHO VOICE] You’re alive, aren’t you?
Nigel screams in horror. He pushes the life saver away and runs off down the beach. Waving his hands, he continues to scream as he passes Dave, who is still buried in the sand.
DAVE: Hey, Nige! Come back! Come back!
A seagull lands on his head and starts to peck him.
DAVE: Argh! Get off! Get off you little bastard! Damn you! God damn you all the way to hell forever!! Argh!
We zoom in on Dave’s screaming mouth.
to be continued...
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